When They Picked Me Up I Made a Big Noise

Most mornings are this way. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. This morning, I turned and looked at my watch at 3:47. I told myself if I laid there until 4:30, I could get up and make coffee, bake the bread left rising in the cold oven, pack up my laptop, the camera, shower, find something to wear. I almost fell asleep again, but there is that dull, nervy ache in both legs and a rare case of heartburn making me uncomfortable.

I went to bed at about 11:30 last night. My eyes still have the sleep and tear tracks hazing them. I'm averaging five hours or so. Tonight won't help bring that up. My sleep tracker says 4 hours and 34 minutes with a score of 34. Could be the wine. Could be the mild insanity.

So I made the coffee and sat reading while the bread bakes, my head swimming and dull. That will be the couple glasses of wine from last night or the meds I take that should help me sleep. They help me get there, but nothing legal I've found can help me stay there long. The harder sleeping medications tend to make me do things in my sleep that I forget and I would rather jump off that bridge than feel like I have no control over my own mind.

It's supposed to rain. But at least it's not freezing and wet. And by the time I have to drive this time of year, there will be enough light to see so that I don't have to wear the glasses that give me a sort of vertigo. Things that help and things that hurt and sometimes they are the same things.

My legs ache from last night's long walk. I am so glad the weather has turned some so that I could go out in no more than a light hoodie. I have had more than enough of the cold. I want sandals and tank tops and the feel of sweat slipping down my calves in the hot car. I think things will get better as the weather warms. I think my mind will thaw. I hope so.

"Talk to your health team." I have. I do. That's what has me living up here instead of out there. One thinks this is episodic and the other wants to up the medication that makes me edgy and irritable already. Funny how something can save your life and drive you mad at the exact same time. More isn't more in this case. I think less is also less though. Maybe back to that first dose. Maybe something stronger with this new situation. I guess the situation isn't new, it's just the mask fell away. Exhaustion does that. Happens to all the women in my family about this age if we live long enough. I guess I'll go the opposite way to my mother. She went to bed for a few months and when she rose, she looked rested and thinner and everyone told her how great she looked. It is always that way. If one more person tells me I look good, in one way or another, I may scream. I feel like shit. I have for a long time. Not eating or sleeping and picking myself apart constantly looks good on me, I guess.

I say I'm tired. I keep trying to shake the tiredness. I try to sleep. I try to rest. I meditate and I exercise hoping to wear myself far enough to rest. Sometimes it works. For a day or two. Enough rest just gives me the energy to be clinical. The bread will be ready any minute now. Guess I better manage that. Then the day can start. The morning rituals are the things that hold me together for now. And that's okay. Something has to do it. It's just the times furthest away from the morning rituals that pull out all the stitches and ruin all the seams.

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