Lately I'm Dissatisfied, Paralyzed

There is so much going on. It's nice to sit with my own mind for a little while. I haven't really felt like doing that lately because I had this moment when I questioned it. I am still in this place that I'm more likely to question myself than someone else I trust and care about, no matter what my gut tells me. I have got to start listening to that gut. She's almost always right if I don't shut her up.

I've had some health news that kind of has me shook. I have sat and cried for a long time. I kind of knew for a long time, but there isn't really anything to do about it, so having it named out loud doesn't really help. I have some people in my life who have the same condition, so when I'm ready to talk about it, I can. I'm just not ready yet. And I don't know when I will be. And that's really okay. I have to be so careful about who I give weapons. Here we are with this again. Every time I let that creep in, I regret it. The thing is, I'm pretty sure the diagnosis is spot on. And I hate it. It's very much Oedipus. Not that part, you freaking pervert. The part about not being able to escape your destiny. No one else can escape it for you either. You just have to look at it and deal with it and go on. I'm so tired of going on. I have got to make sure that I don't just shut down because it hurts. That's the worst outcome.

I keep repeating it. Over and over to myself. Only out loud today. I found out Thursday and got confirmation yesterday. Things must be serious to get a call on a Sunday. So today, for the first time, I say it out loud. It doesn't help. I still can't tell anyone and I still can't write about it. I hate it.

I've had a couple dates lately. I don't know. I have this feeling that I'm afraid to find someone I like. But also, I'm afraid to stay where I am. Where I am right now is like this quote "The reason you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self-control." It sounds so much like this guy I know and trust. He's a good one. I'm so lucky to have a friend like that.

I just feel like there isn't any improving what I feel right now. Stupid boy. But it's okay. I'm always okay, it's part of my charm. I owe that catch phrase so much. I wish I could thank the one who gave it to me and to apologize. I expect he's happy now. He's the sort. I hope he is. That feels like a different world from this. It is a different world. A decade ago. What I'd give to go back and know the heart I have now. But, we can't really do that, now can we? 

I've seen recently this fear of anything real that might make you feel alive. Meanwhile, I hold on way too tight to anything real that makes me feel alive. Funny to be the two halves of the same fucked up. I can't tell what's manipulation and what's fear. No self-preservation, but this feeling of fear. I guess death hurts less than love. And once the dying is over, it stops hurting. Love only hurts worse when it's over.

It really is looking at the same thing in two ways. I sure am learning. Learning is fucking hard. I don't much care for it. But I have to have the knowing, so you have to get there somehow. I've always been an excellent student. Because I am a complete and full masochist. I just like choosing the things that hurt me and that's another reason I'm self-sabotaging. And running. I like controlling my own pain. If it hurts, I want the hurt to be of my own doing. I'm really good at that. Asked recently if I had any drug problems, I responded "other than using romance to hurt myself?"

I've picked up run training again. Four days this week. I'd go today if I could figure out where to put it. It makes my mind feel quiet and calm. It always did. I'm itching. I can't seem to focus on any of the other things that make me feel better. Like writing. I was sitting here with Blanche on my lap and wishing I could reach my laptop. This is the first real writing I've done in a couple weeks. "It's good that you're healing."

I've been doing my physical therapy like I'm supposed to. Doing my homework three days a week and actual therapy with Mackin two days a week. I feel better. The shoulder feels stronger. I opened a jar the other day by myself. I still won't forget my deep sigh and handing off that last one I couldn't open with barely a second thought. I knew it wouldn't change anything. That was a good feeling. I'd like that back. More than anything in the whole world. Everything is different now. And I can't fix it or change it. I just have to accept it. Like the weakness in this shoulder, it was temporary and even though I did all I could do, there wasn't any physical therapy for that.

That shoulder started twitching abut the time I sat up straight this morning. I'd say it was rhomboid and I do know some anatomy. Just a twitch, but enough to know that something was about to cause trouble. So I decided I'd grab that foam ball the size of a softball and just lay on it. No one was here, so it felt just fine screaming. Then rolling to my left side on the floor and crying. All this crying. I cried when he asked why I was crying. No one I want to talk to more about this and I cannot possibly print it yet. I don't know what that even means. I know that tomorrow I can let it out. Maybe some waterproof mascara. I guess death you weren't really prepared for is the same no matter how it comes to you. Death you don't choose. Death you don't expect. It's hard. And it never gets easier.

I've been helping out over at the non-profit in any way I can. That feels good. It feels good for the obvious reasons, but it also feels good because I'm meeting people who are really very much not like me. That's relevant because I'm proving to myself that I want good things for everyone and not just people who look or think or act or believe like I do. I wondered in the not too recent past. Something about it like an echo chamber. And I have lived in a place like that for a while. I think I'll love just about anyone who will hold still long enough. Have to be careful where I'm pouring that out. Sometimes it just runs all over the ground and no one benefits. And no one cares.

My idea is that I'll keep doing the work and things will sort themselves out. I hear that's the way these things work. And if it's not how these things work, then I'll still come out better than I was before. And that's really all I can ask for in this life: to be better today than I was yesterday.