It's All About the Journey

I don't even know how to start with this one. I think I'll never really recover. He was that kind of man. The kind that fucks you up and leaves you fucked up a little more for the rest of your life. Like that beautiful dream that breaks your heart in the end. We met at my best friend's wedding. The man has known me for sixteen years and I'd never seen him in a "relationship". So when he met her and they were talking marriage as my relationship was falling apart, I knew that I still had hope too. When they asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was beyond honored. I never imagined they'd want me to be part of it. But they did and I'll always remember that as the third time I was a bridesmaid. You know what they say, "thrice a bridesmaid, never a bride." That was a risk I would have taken a million times over for them. He is my brother and I gained a sister that day. They held the wedding on a horse farm out in the country. It was such a gorgeous l...

Well, he was one of the first guys I interacted with when I opened my OKCupid profile in October of last year. He was scary. I didn't find this hulking, bald, cage fighter attractive at all. He is not at all my type . But even with the deactivating and reactivating my profile and coming and going, he was always there. He was always kind and always supportive. He was what I felt like was a true friend. He was warm and encouraging. He always told me that the guys that hurt me were assholes and probably mildly retarded and I could do better. After my big heartbreak last year, the one that really got me started in my downward spiral (or upward spiral, depending on how you look at it), he was there. After my breakup with the guy who was so damaged I couldn't even help him, he was there. After the jerk who wasn't romantically attracted to me after three months, he was really there. When I reactivated my OKC profile that time, I had this sinking fear that he'd be gone. That...

I know I have to pick this back up. I miss writing these. I haven't stopped dating, though I did kind of go offline for a few months. I can't believe how much has changed in the past few months; how much I have changed in the past few months. This is mostly a personal life catch up. So long story short, my job was kind of turning me into an insane person there for a while. I was having nightmares about my teeth falling out, commonly interpreted as anxiety-related . I was having panic attacks in the grocery store. I wasn't sleeping. I was having issues with my appetite. I lost weight and couldn't do anything but panic and run. It kind of started to really get out of hand when the guy I'd been dating for three months broke it off saying he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me. I still don't even know what that means. It was odd because it seemed like it wasn't just that he wasn't attracted to me, it seemed like he wasn't attracted t...