The Edge of Insanity
I know I have to pick this back up. I miss writing these. I haven't stopped dating, though I did kind of go offline for a few months. I can't believe how much has changed in the past few months; how much I have changed in the past few months. This is mostly a personal life catch up.
So long story short, my job was kind of turning me into an insane person there for a while. I was having nightmares about my teeth falling out, commonly interpreted as anxiety-related. I was having panic attacks in the grocery store. I wasn't sleeping. I was having issues with my appetite. I lost weight and couldn't do anything but panic and run.
It kind of started to really get out of hand when the guy I'd been dating for three months broke it off saying he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me. I still don't even know what that means. It was odd because it seemed like it wasn't just that he wasn't attracted to me, it seemed like he wasn't attracted to anyone. I kept reminding myself of that and trying to pick myself back up, but that kind of blow is hard on a girl's ego. He hurt me and I don't even think he knows how much even now.
It got to the point that I couldn't focus on anything. I was tired all the time and everything seemed like too much to bear. I cried at the slightest provocation. Running didn't heal it. Nothing was soothing me. I felt as if I were actually going crazy and I couldn't tell anyone. I was falling apart.
Well, in the midst of all this, one of the guys I'd met on OKCupid kind of ballsed up and we finally met. I was instantly attracted to his raw manliness. He was intelligent and articulate and tough as nails. He was cage fighting, metal screaming, big, soft creature. I had hoped I wouldn't like him, but I did. I deactivated my OKC profile a week after we finally met. He sent me text messages when he first woke up, just picking up where we left off the night before. It was wonderful. He made me laugh and smile and I appreciated his drive. I think he needs his own post.
And insult to injury, a guy I'd crushed painfully on since the moment I met him told me that he'd been "obsessed" with me and that he always thought I looked like Katee Sackhoff and called me Starbuck. He is artistic and deep and tortured, just like I like them. And that dark-haired, pale-eyed kind of gorgeous that just undoes me. He adored my strength and my power and my fortitude. He loved the idea of the person he thought I was. He remembered the color I had my toenails painted eight months before and when he kissed me, it was more than a kiss. It felt like he'd reached into my soul and kissed that too. He made me want to be kinder, gentler, softer, prettier. I just wanted to be the woman beside his height, the strength to his fragility, his Wonderwall. On second thought, this one gets a post all his own. It didn't go my way.
So, then I find out that my work contract isn't going to be extended. The sad thing is that all I could manage to feel is relief. I was tired of not having anyone to whom I could ask questions. I was tired of getting in trouble for not knowing everything. I was tired of the stress and the constantly being at work. I haven't worked in almost four weeks. I'd say that I'm suffering from financial stress, but we aren't there yet. I am really enjoying all of my time.
Just before the no job news, I signed up for my first half marathon. A friend from one of my Facebook groups offered to come down from Long Island to run with me. How can I even resist that? So, I was prepping for that too. My half was Sunday. I did it. My time was 2:38:12. That's a 12:04/mile pace on an extremely hilly course. I had already signed up for a trail half in June, so this was a gauge for me. The cutoff for the trail half is three hours, so that was my goal. I think I can do this now.
Well, the fighter was Facebook tagged in pictures from "date night" with a girl I had always suspected he had feelings for. I am intuitive if nothing else. He swore there was nothing between them, but I just knew that it wasn't just friendship. I never got another text. That kind of sucked.
I also finally started feeling mentally healthy enough to reactivate my OKC profile. That's only been a couple weeks ago now. I feel strong enough now. My sanity can be renewed by a few trail miles, my heart is solid and strong again. I met someone last Thursday. He gets his own post too.
I also became an aunt again the night before my half. We almost lost her. I was at the hospital until my sister delivered her at 11:10pm. I heard the code bell associated with my sister's room number. I thought my best friend had died. I think that may have been my breaking point. The thought that my sister, my niece, could have died, snapped something in my soul. She made it because she's a fighter. Women in my family are too tough to die.
No one really seems to understand this, but after getting in bed after 1:00am and getting less than 3.5 hours of sleep, I ran a half marathon and beat my fastest pace over distance. When I felt weak, or I felt tired, I chanted the name of that little girl. The Apache are known to dedicate runs to people, like prayers. I did that on Sunday. I prayed with my body; my lungs, my legs, my feet, my pounding heart and my soul for that girl that I love as much as I love any living person. She's home now and healthy, as well as her mother. I am so in love I don't have words. I like to think that my prayers helped her be strong. It's like all the love I've ever felt for the sister who is like my twin we are so close is transferred and multiplied in this little body.
So, I'm hot on the search for a job and I've found some measure of peace. I just know in my soul that everything is okay. I'm okay, my heart, my body, the people I love, everything is okay.
So long story short, my job was kind of turning me into an insane person there for a while. I was having nightmares about my teeth falling out, commonly interpreted as anxiety-related. I was having panic attacks in the grocery store. I wasn't sleeping. I was having issues with my appetite. I lost weight and couldn't do anything but panic and run.
It kind of started to really get out of hand when the guy I'd been dating for three months broke it off saying he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me. I still don't even know what that means. It was odd because it seemed like it wasn't just that he wasn't attracted to me, it seemed like he wasn't attracted to anyone. I kept reminding myself of that and trying to pick myself back up, but that kind of blow is hard on a girl's ego. He hurt me and I don't even think he knows how much even now.
It got to the point that I couldn't focus on anything. I was tired all the time and everything seemed like too much to bear. I cried at the slightest provocation. Running didn't heal it. Nothing was soothing me. I felt as if I were actually going crazy and I couldn't tell anyone. I was falling apart.
Well, in the midst of all this, one of the guys I'd met on OKCupid kind of ballsed up and we finally met. I was instantly attracted to his raw manliness. He was intelligent and articulate and tough as nails. He was cage fighting, metal screaming, big, soft creature. I had hoped I wouldn't like him, but I did. I deactivated my OKC profile a week after we finally met. He sent me text messages when he first woke up, just picking up where we left off the night before. It was wonderful. He made me laugh and smile and I appreciated his drive. I think he needs his own post.
And insult to injury, a guy I'd crushed painfully on since the moment I met him told me that he'd been "obsessed" with me and that he always thought I looked like Katee Sackhoff and called me Starbuck. He is artistic and deep and tortured, just like I like them. And that dark-haired, pale-eyed kind of gorgeous that just undoes me. He adored my strength and my power and my fortitude. He loved the idea of the person he thought I was. He remembered the color I had my toenails painted eight months before and when he kissed me, it was more than a kiss. It felt like he'd reached into my soul and kissed that too. He made me want to be kinder, gentler, softer, prettier. I just wanted to be the woman beside his height, the strength to his fragility, his Wonderwall. On second thought, this one gets a post all his own. It didn't go my way.
So, then I find out that my work contract isn't going to be extended. The sad thing is that all I could manage to feel is relief. I was tired of not having anyone to whom I could ask questions. I was tired of getting in trouble for not knowing everything. I was tired of the stress and the constantly being at work. I haven't worked in almost four weeks. I'd say that I'm suffering from financial stress, but we aren't there yet. I am really enjoying all of my time.
Just before the no job news, I signed up for my first half marathon. A friend from one of my Facebook groups offered to come down from Long Island to run with me. How can I even resist that? So, I was prepping for that too. My half was Sunday. I did it. My time was 2:38:12. That's a 12:04/mile pace on an extremely hilly course. I had already signed up for a trail half in June, so this was a gauge for me. The cutoff for the trail half is three hours, so that was my goal. I think I can do this now.
Well, the fighter was Facebook tagged in pictures from "date night" with a girl I had always suspected he had feelings for. I am intuitive if nothing else. He swore there was nothing between them, but I just knew that it wasn't just friendship. I never got another text. That kind of sucked.
I also finally started feeling mentally healthy enough to reactivate my OKC profile. That's only been a couple weeks ago now. I feel strong enough now. My sanity can be renewed by a few trail miles, my heart is solid and strong again. I met someone last Thursday. He gets his own post too.
I also became an aunt again the night before my half. We almost lost her. I was at the hospital until my sister delivered her at 11:10pm. I heard the code bell associated with my sister's room number. I thought my best friend had died. I think that may have been my breaking point. The thought that my sister, my niece, could have died, snapped something in my soul. She made it because she's a fighter. Women in my family are too tough to die.
No one really seems to understand this, but after getting in bed after 1:00am and getting less than 3.5 hours of sleep, I ran a half marathon and beat my fastest pace over distance. When I felt weak, or I felt tired, I chanted the name of that little girl. The Apache are known to dedicate runs to people, like prayers. I did that on Sunday. I prayed with my body; my lungs, my legs, my feet, my pounding heart and my soul for that girl that I love as much as I love any living person. She's home now and healthy, as well as her mother. I am so in love I don't have words. I like to think that my prayers helped her be strong. It's like all the love I've ever felt for the sister who is like my twin we are so close is transferred and multiplied in this little body.
So, I'm hot on the search for a job and I've found some measure of peace. I just know in my soul that everything is okay. I'm okay, my heart, my body, the people I love, everything is okay.
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