To Try So Hard
Well, he was one of the first guys I interacted with when I opened my OKCupid profile in October of last year. He was scary. I didn't find this hulking, bald, cage fighter attractive at all. He is not at all my type. But even with the deactivating and reactivating my profile and coming and going, he was always there. He was always kind and always supportive. He was what I felt like was a true friend. He was warm and encouraging. He always told me that the guys that hurt me were assholes and probably mildly retarded and I could do better.
After my big heartbreak last year, the one that really got me started in my downward spiral (or upward spiral, depending on how you look at it), he was there. After my breakup with the guy who was so damaged I couldn't even help him, he was there. After the jerk who wasn't romantically attracted to me after three months, he was really there. When I reactivated my OKC profile that time, I had this sinking fear that he'd be gone. That I'd missed my chance. I wanted to kill a fictional woman. I knew then that I should meet him. That's after over a year of talking back and forth. He had tried so hard. I know now it was to date me, but I didn't know what his motive was then.
So we arranged to have coffee. When he saw me, his face lit up and he ran up and scooped me off my feet in the biggest hug I've ever been wrapped in. It felt so good. I just laughed and let him. He smiled so big. None of his pictures had ever shown him smiling. It was perfect. That's the only way I can describe it.
So we sat in that coffee shop, with a can of pepper spray between me and this huge man, drinking coffee and talking about everything. It was like hanging out with an old friend, which is what we really were, I guess. When he talked about his cats and his father and his sister, he was so vulnerable and sweet. I fell a little bit in love with him that day.
After that, he was getting ready to have his first official cage fight. His schedule got busy. We saw each other one more time. He sent me a text every morning when he woke up to continue our conversation from the night before. I was falling hard for him. And I let it happen. He was consuming my long runs, in my mind when I touched myself.
When he came to visit me, I kissed him. He returned it and kissed me a time or two with his strong hand pressed against the back of my neck. I wanted him like crazy. Something about that raw power and that tender heart. I love that combination.
Well, our texts continued. He had his first fight. I was there in the audience, with his name beneath mine on an index card in my chair. I hugged him and told him he'd done well. At least one of us was supportive in reality and not just in print.
Well, he had this female friend. When he talked about her after the first time we met, I knew there was more there than he was admitting. He swore they were just friends. I had this sense of something that he wanted that wasn't quite there yet. I knew, but I trusted anyway. He was my friend. He wouldn't hurt me. He said he'd never hurt me on purpose. Well, he did anyway.
After his fight, I asked if I could see him again and he said we could arrange something and then never did. Every morning, I got that text. He asked if he hadn't heard from me where I'd been hiding. I thought he was really interested.
Next thing I know, I'm at my favorite vape shop and I'm scrolling Facebook, and there he is with a gorgeous blonde, having "date night". I guess I had a face to put with that fictitious woman I was so jealous of. I never got another morning text. I didn't get another text at all. Not at the birth of my niece, not at the end of my half marathon. I got nothing. I feel like I lost a friend. The one thing that I was so afraid of happening. I feel abandoned and hurt. Not just romantically, but betrayed by a friend. That kind of sucks.
I wish him so much happiness. I think he deserves it. But I miss my friend. I could really use him, you know?
After my big heartbreak last year, the one that really got me started in my downward spiral (or upward spiral, depending on how you look at it), he was there. After my breakup with the guy who was so damaged I couldn't even help him, he was there. After the jerk who wasn't romantically attracted to me after three months, he was really there. When I reactivated my OKC profile that time, I had this sinking fear that he'd be gone. That I'd missed my chance. I wanted to kill a fictional woman. I knew then that I should meet him. That's after over a year of talking back and forth. He had tried so hard. I know now it was to date me, but I didn't know what his motive was then.
So we arranged to have coffee. When he saw me, his face lit up and he ran up and scooped me off my feet in the biggest hug I've ever been wrapped in. It felt so good. I just laughed and let him. He smiled so big. None of his pictures had ever shown him smiling. It was perfect. That's the only way I can describe it.
So we sat in that coffee shop, with a can of pepper spray between me and this huge man, drinking coffee and talking about everything. It was like hanging out with an old friend, which is what we really were, I guess. When he talked about his cats and his father and his sister, he was so vulnerable and sweet. I fell a little bit in love with him that day.
After that, he was getting ready to have his first official cage fight. His schedule got busy. We saw each other one more time. He sent me a text every morning when he woke up to continue our conversation from the night before. I was falling hard for him. And I let it happen. He was consuming my long runs, in my mind when I touched myself.
When he came to visit me, I kissed him. He returned it and kissed me a time or two with his strong hand pressed against the back of my neck. I wanted him like crazy. Something about that raw power and that tender heart. I love that combination.
Well, our texts continued. He had his first fight. I was there in the audience, with his name beneath mine on an index card in my chair. I hugged him and told him he'd done well. At least one of us was supportive in reality and not just in print.
Well, he had this female friend. When he talked about her after the first time we met, I knew there was more there than he was admitting. He swore they were just friends. I had this sense of something that he wanted that wasn't quite there yet. I knew, but I trusted anyway. He was my friend. He wouldn't hurt me. He said he'd never hurt me on purpose. Well, he did anyway.
After his fight, I asked if I could see him again and he said we could arrange something and then never did. Every morning, I got that text. He asked if he hadn't heard from me where I'd been hiding. I thought he was really interested.
Next thing I know, I'm at my favorite vape shop and I'm scrolling Facebook, and there he is with a gorgeous blonde, having "date night". I guess I had a face to put with that fictitious woman I was so jealous of. I never got another morning text. I didn't get another text at all. Not at the birth of my niece, not at the end of my half marathon. I got nothing. I feel like I lost a friend. The one thing that I was so afraid of happening. I feel abandoned and hurt. Not just romantically, but betrayed by a friend. That kind of sucks.
I wish him so much happiness. I think he deserves it. But I miss my friend. I could really use him, you know?
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