It's All About the Journey

I think I'm letting myself feel something after too long on ice. The result is that I'm feeling all the things I froze out for months trying to protect myself and survive. So now it's the good, bad, and ugly that I've been pretending wasn't there. The same thing I couldn't understand in someone else. The same thing I criticized like it was some kind of choice. Sometimes you and someone else are just too much alike to get along too well. Like siblings in that eternal power struggle. Two nights in a row, I've dreamed. Or two nights that I've remembered them. I so rarely remember dreams. And I dreamed this one in color and more. With a surprise special guest appearance. It was me and the guys, out at a bar. I don't recall what I was wearing beyond that I had to keep pulling it back into place and I regretted not wearing something with a little more fabric and a little less trouble. The theme lately has been stepping out of my comfort zone. I'll neve...

I'm sitting in my chair with the morning sunlight streaming through the patio doors, my coffee at my right hand, my warm robe wrapped around me, my feet up on my beautiful, emerald velvet ottoman. I don't get many mornings like this at all. Mornings when I just sit an soak up the gentleness of the morning and contemplate my next projects. I think of the sort of artist I could be with more days like this. It feels like a day or two here or there off is just a time to catch up instead of time to create and dream. I'm not too quiet about the medical stuff that's a constant in my life. I think it's important to talk about things and normalize how weird bodies are. Mine is healthy and strong and capable, but still fragile as a magnolia bloom. I'm in the throes of something with my asthma. I suspect an ear infection. I have the tell-tale lump behind my right ear. It crackles. It hurts pretty badly and my equilibrium is out of whack. I always have at least a little ver...

I went to the last concert on my calendar for the year last night. Ian Noe. I feel like Nikola and I chased this guy over the entire southeast for three years. We just never could get in the same room with him, between events and cancellations and unexpected plot twists. He was exactly as I expected. I sure do love a musician with vocal that crack every once in a while. And one of those Kentucky boys could basically sing a Chinese menu and pick and I'd just say "Shut up and take my money." I made a new friend, Lauren, last night. She was a ton of fun and sat at the bar with me behind the hat. Seriously, big hats ought to be outlawed at seated listening room shows. Behind me was a pair of brothers standing just over my right shoulder. I watched them all night. They were adorable. Just so close and love each other so much. I told them after the show that it was a pleasure to be in their company and witness that fraternity. So the younger one hit on me. Then when he realized...

You know those moments that feel super important? I think I just had one. And it's nothing that we don't all know by now. Isn't it strange how when you have these shattering epiphanies that you think to yourself "well, duh?" So anyway, the moment was that I have what I need. I am strong and smart and capable and successful and relatively happy. I'd like to have a person, but if I don't that's okay too. I'm a whole ass person and I like me pretty well. I knew all of these things. I realized what I need in that person. Oddly, it's precisely what my couple's therapist, when she was trying to help me save my failing marriage, knew all along. That's epiphany number two. Sometimes writing isn't fun or pleasant. But growth is the same. I realized what I need is safety. I need to feel safe. And I don't mean I need to feel physically safe. I mostly have that handled. Not perfectly all the time, but mostly. I've learned to trust my in...

Just turned on a mix of "Folk and Acoustic," says the streaming service. I want music now. Thank goodness that is the thing I reach for. I really wish that RCA cable would hurry up and come in so that I can listen to record with the snaps and pops and the necessity to get up and flip it, preferably on 180 gram because my hands like the weight. I wish that I could find the words to be properly appreciative for how I got this receiver after mine gave up the ghost when I moved. My ex-husband bought me that one, so it's only appropriate that I give it up as I leave our home. Less sage needed. Equally appropriate that something that feels so comfortable brought me a replacement, despite the labor involved to get it working. I can't wait to lay on this beautiful galaxy of fluffy rug and listen. I only hope I can be patient and wait to not be alone for it. The gifter should bear witness. I have not been eating or sleeping enough. Or, not eating and sleeping the way to which ...

Tomorrow would have been my father's birthday. He'd have been 77 this year. It's wild to think of him that age. I honestly don't know if he'd have made it even if cancer hadn't taken him first. I never remember thinking of him as young. He was 40 the year I was born and people frequently mistook him for my grandfather with his weathered face and mostly silver dark hair. He was tall and lanky everywhere but across his shoulders and arms. I sure do appreciate that, Daddy. I remember that he always moved deliberately. He was careful in a way that made me believe that moving might hurt, or it might not. He'd come in from work, and I learned young how to unlace speed laces and yank off boots. I did it because he always acted like it hurt to do it himself. Maybe his back. He'd had back surgery at 30 and spent the rest of his life treating that. These days, he'd have a rating with the VA and maybe we could have lived a little more comfortably. Same story, d...

I think I'm in for a long night and possibly a long day tomorrow. I hate to admit that I feel it that much. I hate that every time I thought about it today, I got that burning lump in the pit of my stomach that feels like something sharp and on fire twisting inside. I hate that it matters that much to me. I guess it just seemed very much like such a strong beginning to something that could be incredible. I stayed out just late enough to enjoy myself, but not so late that I'll regret it in the morning. I didn't self-destruct and I didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself. Balance. I spent most of the day well distracted. We had our little local parade and the absolute joy of all the people was contagious. I hopped down from the truck to run handfuls of candy across the parking lot to the nursing home patients who had come out to watch the parade but couldn't get close enough to catch anything. I love that my body could hop down, run, give away the treats, catch the...

I can't even write. Hemingway said to write hard about what hurts. So let me try what worked those months ago when that bridge wasn't high enough. What a great start of the week, spiraling into something less than great. We lost a $50,000 grant that I worked my ass off writing the proposal for. Then my Mama took his side and I'm now second-guessing the decision that really did feel like the best thing for my heart. I'm proud of myself these days for standing up for what's best for my heart. I'm still really hoping for a call on Sunday. Kind of wishing for a call right now. But I can't be that way for getting exactly what I asked for. I want to talk about a couple of songs and a new record from a musician we both love. I want my friend. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I'm asking for what I need. I was called "soft" and I'll toss that in with "sentimental and stupid" as part of my love language. I'm going to start with what a...

I'm going to start this one with a disclaimer. You know you are. If you really want it to be a surprise, you'd best wait to read this. Maybe give me a call instead and I'll tell you a story and you can make me laugh. Then maybe read this next week sometime when both of us have our hands full. There's an event tomorrow. Apparently, we're all supposed to cook. I always understand that assignment, so I'm going to tell you a little story about how this particular creation came to be. Of course it's always a Nanny story right now. Any time I bake, I do it with at least one person in my heart. There's no convincing me that it doesn't help it taste better if you hold a direct love while you bake. She loved chocolate. She would tell us how when her brother, Lonnie, came home from the Navy, he'd bring her a chocolate bar. She absolutely adored him. You could hear it in the way she said his name. She had the ability to show how much she loved someone by th...

My therapist told me I look younger today. She always tells me that when my mind is well and quiet. For the first time in three years, I ran out of things to talk about. I told her that I'm mostly unbothered these days. It's hard to ruffle me. I feel self-assured and strong and happy. When you feel that way, you trust yourself.  She confirmed that it was time and healing and definitely putting a stop to letting that one person manipulate me. I literally said "go fuck yourself" last night when asked if I wanted a hug. It was rude to do that in front of other people, but it needed to happen and despite being rude, the sentiment remains. Months without touching me and now you want a hug. Pass. I got a text at the shop last night and when I looked down and saw who it was, one of the guys says "Who's got you smiling at your phone?" Which of course, only made me smile bigger and probably blush. I didn't even realize I'd telegraphed that one.  A convers...

I've been consistently happier than I recall for a long time lately. My psychiatrist said she could hear it in my voice. I told her I didn't really know why. She said it was time. She said my last year or two have been hard and it takes time. I think it's time, but also letting go of one really toxic influence. And I owe that to one of our guys at the shop. Filling him in on the situation, he asked me what could possibly be the outcome. What could I possibly hope would happen and would any of what I wanted matter? Perspective, y'all. I'm going to have to thank him for that.  I've had a few dates. Nothing has stuck yet. I have a little hope for one man who, well, my phone pinged just now. Oh, that got a big smile. He makes me laugh so hard.  I've been asked lately how I'm single if I'd prefer not to be. Hm. Well, I like myself and my own company is damn good. My hobbies, passions, loves, efforts, they make me happy. The good I do with my time is preci...