Vanish so She Can Go Drowning in a Dream Again

I've been consistently happier than I recall for a long time lately. My psychiatrist said she could hear it in my voice. I told her I didn't really know why. She said it was time. She said my last year or two have been hard and it takes time. I think it's time, but also letting go of one really toxic influence. And I owe that to one of our guys at the shop. Filling him in on the situation, he asked me what could possibly be the outcome. What could I possibly hope would happen and would any of what I wanted matter? Perspective, y'all. I'm going to have to thank him for that. 

I've had a few dates. Nothing has stuck yet. I have a little hope for one man who, well, my phone pinged just now. Oh, that got a big smile. He makes me laugh so hard. 

I've been asked lately how I'm single if I'd prefer not to be. Hm. Well, I like myself and my own company is damn good. My hobbies, passions, loves, efforts, they make me happy. The good I do with my time is precious to me. And I'm not going to withdraw myself from happiness for someone who doesn't support me and someone who doesn't enhance my happy. I don't understand why that idea is so profound. Do I get lonely sometimes? Of course I do. I am not so lonely that I'll let myself drown in someone else.

I think that realization is what's really changed for me. I've stopped caring if I'm right for someone else. I'm right for myself. People live lifetimes and are never right for themselves. And I have two things, three, to thank for that. First, the way I was raised. I was raised that I never was right, that I'd never be enough. I was born defective. I was born into a subtle, and often not so subtle, hatred for women. I'm sure I've been complicit at times. 

But more than that is how you get past that in life. Second and third are music and my folks at the shop. I spent life believing I'd never be enough, so I lived scared to try too hard. I'm not even sure how much sense that makes. If you can't ever be excellent, why bother? Music inspired me. And this little dream of ours made me believe I could be excellent. Am I changing the world? Nope. But I'm changing the world for a few people. And that feels a lot like excellence to me.

I've taken this great gulf of hurt and used it to help a few people not drown in their own oceans. I've tried to be for others what I never would ask for. And in return, I've finally got a little peace. Not nearly enough to stop a little self-destruction, but some. I've learned that sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing. I can live in my actions who I am. I've learned to be a better man than the men who told me I wasn't enough. And I've learned to be a good woman too. And that is so much harder. But you can't know that if you haven't lived it yourself.

Timing isn't always poignant and perfect, sometimes it's messy and out of tune, and perfect still, somehow.

It's been such a week. A busy, beautiful, chaotic, happy week. Those sort of vanished from my life for a while. I'm glad they're back. I've been doing more painting than writing lately. That means I'm happy. And I am. My lip quivered typing that. The edge of the right kind of tears. I realized in a conversation recently that I woman-splained that I write best when I'm sad to a writer. He called me all the way out on it. It made me laugh. He makes me laugh.

I find myself laughing again like I used to. I got a text message that had me laughing so hard at home that no one understood me the first time I explained what was so funny. I can't articulate how grateful I am to have people in my life who make me laugh that way and how thankful I am that I can laugh that way again. Funny how healing happens when you aren't looking too closely.

I took the week off work to theoretically finish unpacking the house. I managed to get some of it done. I unpacked my painting supplies and the living room except my stereo. I need a receiver after mine kind of unceremoniously died. I miss records.

I wanted to get out the Christmas tree today, but I seriously cannot do that until I get the last of these boxes to the garage. And let's not even talk about the garage. I need one of those ADHD people to just come follow me around the house while I get stuff done. It's a whole thing. I never knew it was a thing, I just thought it was a me thing.

I spent most of Monday working on the practice for Wednesday. Owen and Gabe dragged me out of the house to eat what Owen calls "White trash tacos." Those things are deadly tasty, but I would rally for cilantro and onions. Sweet boys. I sure do love them.

Tuesday, we had a board meeting. We've agreed to fund finishing repairs on three cars so we'll have a small motor pool. And we can fund it. I'm excited about that. I think most of us are. It was cold in the shop and my nose ran. Gabe worked on his car, changing the oil and flushing the transmission fluid and replacing the filter. Mike helped him. That man has these flashes of goodness. I understand what everyone always meant about him from over here.

Wednesday, something amazing happened. I'm still kind of walking a dream about it. Some remarkably good humans that I have the pleasure to know arranged an event to aid musicians and children affected by Hurricane Helene. A music event. A music and art event. A lovely gentleman orchestrated most of it and asked me to come live paint. To live music. To his music. Welp, here come the tears again. It was incredible.

I set up over in the corner stage right. Thank goodness I thought to bring that ring light. Painting in complete darkness is well beyond my skill. It wasn't ideal, but I'm not sure what else would have been better under the circumstances.

Everyone was so gracious and kind. I sold a couple pieces. Watching one of the buyers look at my painting might have been the best part of my night. Well, almost the best part. We managed to raise over $5,000 for Hurricane Helene relief. I'm so proud that I got to be part of that. Honored.

Thursday was a blinding flash after coffee. I slept until noon and then ran all over trying to get home to see Mama and back home to bed.

Friday, I had an event to go to so I could shake babies and kiss hands for the shop. It was a comedy event and the main act was far too liberal with child rape "jokes" that I kind of lost him a few minutes in. The guy before him was hysterical. Y'all, I laughed to tears.

Last night, I saw American Aquarium. BJ puts on a hell of a show. My show companion wasn't super familiar with them and didn't know the discography and they showed up the best of themselves, I think. I certainly got my favorites. I don't have a single complaint beyond "The First Year" making me uuuuuuuugly cry. Thanksgiving was our first holiday without Nanny, and it was rough. And Christmas won't be better. Oh, she loved Christmas so much. I never really cared for it. And that will be the end of holidays at home for all of us. 

Had  a lovely, slow wake up this morning, the second that made me not want to get out of bed at all this week. I can hope for a few more of those in the near future. I suppose we'll see how that all plays out without getting my hopes up. I can't even decide if I want to get them up yet. I'm so happy as I am right in this moment that I'm afraid to upset the balance.

We're headed over to dinner with the two boys tonight when the second gets back to town from his holiday travel. It definitely will feel like a return to normal life. I get all out of sorts and collapse into the life of an artist without my structure. I only went to the shop once this whole time. I definitely needed to hit the reset on that bit.

I'll get three weeks of work before I'm out of the office for sixteen glorious days. I don't much like the colder weather, but I am looking forward to the time to finish the house (I swear) and hopefully catch up with the hard writing and the fun painting. I need to work on those mountains. They're losing something lately. 

Good news is I have time to work on the things that I love. I'm feeling pretty inspired for some reason. Probably a good, hot bath and a record good enough to make me warm the water up twice so I could sit and enjoy it, good music, good people, good food, and good work in the last week. I'll return to that recurring concert-enabling event I call my day job truly refreshed. Life is good and I'm happy to be here to enjoy it.