She Knows She's so Much More than a Name in a Line Thrown Away Just as Soon as it's Been Used

I can't even write. Hemingway said to write hard about what hurts. So let me try what worked those months ago when that bridge wasn't high enough.

What a great start of the week, spiraling into something less than great. We lost a $50,000 grant that I worked my ass off writing the proposal for. Then my Mama took his side and I'm now second-guessing the decision that really did feel like the best thing for my heart. I'm proud of myself these days for standing up for what's best for my heart. I'm still really hoping for a call on Sunday. Kind of wishing for a call right now. But I can't be that way for getting exactly what I asked for. I want to talk about a couple of songs and a new record from a musician we both love. I want my friend. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I'm asking for what I need. I was called "soft" and I'll toss that in with "sentimental and stupid" as part of my love language.

I'm going to start with what always helps: gratitude. I'm so fortunate for the people in my life who make it on my worst days bearable, and on my best days, effervescent. I've had five people check in on me today because they sense every change in me and always catch me when I stumble. One friend asked to call me when he realized I'm having a really bad day. I am so lucky for these people in my life.

My heart hurt, so I called my Mama. She talked me off the ledge. She was proud of me for standing up for myself, but told me that maybe it's just what it seems: trying to honor a commitment and treat everyone kindly and well. From what the character I've painted for her, she has faith. I'm going to try to borrow some of it.

I went to the shop after work today. I walked in the door to a Moose and Luci and Hank and a Christmas tree in the corner. I checked grant statuses and asked about plans for the parade this weekend and the meeting next week. I did some paperwork. I apologized because I was an asshole to someone last time I was there and when I'm wrong, I'm wrong and I'll admit it and apologize. It wasn't necessary, it wasn't kind, and it wasn't the person I'm trying so hard to be. I'm grateful for grace and a job to do that might just change a little sliver of the world. 

I'm going to focus on the literal $20,000 in grants that I've successfully written since May. I can't do everything and I can't beat myself up when I fail, despite unprecedented success in this place. I make it possible to make change. I save lives with my work. I save lives. I never thought I'd get to say that. I never thought I'd matter that much. And that feels profound and important. And for that, I am grateful beyond expression that isn't quiet tears.

They believed in me and I proved that their faith was warranted. I can do anything when the people I love support me so unconditionally. I am so grateful for the people in my life. We are a collective badass.

I went to the gym and kicked that workout's ass. I'm getting so strong. I'm getting healthy. My endurance is better than it's ever been in my life. I did burpees today and they still suck, but I did them, full burpees. That's twice in two weeks. I left the gym with a fist bump and a "good job" and feeling like I'd done well. I rarely feel like I've done well. I'm grateful for my strong body.

I'm grateful that my knee and shoulder didn't bother me at all and I put them to the task. I have a left glute mid that's fighting me, but that could just be residual overuse soreness. I'm grateful that my lungs and my legs kept up with me today while I made my body a better place to live. I'm grateful that I ran. That I looked down at my speed and I felt light and quick and it didn't hurt at all. I'm grateful that my asthma let me have an easy recovery and that I'm not coughing my head off after working that hard.

I'm grateful that I got to laugh with a friend today after a long time when it was uncomfortable to even be in the same room. I got an update on someone I care about so very much. I can't much tell him that anymore, but you can't unlove someone. Or at least I can't. Whether they deserve it or not. He's doing better than I've seen him in a year. I am grateful for his happiness and that he feels empowered and his former confidence makes him seem like the man I knew a year ago. And to know him this way is more than I'd hoped for.

I'm grateful for the little Christmas tree I finally put up today. I love this tree. Beautiful blue spruce molded tips. I picked everything out for it myself and curated it to my whim. No one will ever call it "traditional" but have you met me?

I'm grateful for my Blanche, home and warm and sweet. Even when she broke into the food cabinet today and ate about two cups of cat treats. She's been in my lap every second I let her. Either she knows I don't feel well, or she's cold. I'll take either, really.

I'm grateful for my ability to live in the moment these days. When I'm with someone or when I'm at a show, I rarely look at my phone. I used to live in that thing. But I'm happy with the people in my life and the concerts I go to and the work that I do and the art that I make, so I want to be there with all of them when I can. Fully present and engaged and aware. I don't want to miss a moment of my beautiful, messy life.

I'm grateful for the music. Thank God for music. Thank God that it's speaking to me again. Thank God for Mike Cooley. I stood in the back of the room last night, singing along and clapping when appropriate. I love Eddie's Attic. Even in the back of the room, my view was mostly unobstructed. He brought that Acoustasonic. I'll always laugh to myself when he plays that. I'm grateful for my ex-husband's jokes. A man stood close by near the end of the show. He turned to me and said "It's sure different than the 40 Watt" and I told him that if I sang too loud or clapped too hard to tell me to shut up. And he was gracious and said that there was no such thing. It was good to be in good company. I'm grateful for good company.

I'm grateful for My Only. He brought dinner home tonight. He knows I can't eat when I'm this way. So he brought our favorite. I love that child with my whole heart and he's so gentle and kind and has this giving nature and generous spirit. I did well.

I'm grateful that I sit here writing this, hurt, and I'm not craving anything to numb the pain. I'm as sober as I ever am and that means something. My own company hasn't sent me to the fridge or the medicine cabinet. That's power. I don't think it's anything to do with self-control like people like to say, but I do think it has to do with learning to sit in feelings you don't like. And that is huge.

I've crushed our work stretch goal for the quarter. They always give me the heaviest part of the final stretch goal of the year. They have so much faith in me there. I know I must have given them a reason to believe in me. They have faith and I do great things there. I see a pattern. I'm grateful for my job and my career and my team who work so beautifully together.

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I never do when I go to bed upset. I'm grateful for the ability to feel as deeply as I do. Sure makes me a better writer. Hurts like hell sometimes, but I wouldn't trade less pain for less love and joy and less ability to see beauty in things that aren't always perfectly pretty.

I let myself have a bad day. I took that bad day and burned it in the forge or progress, like I always do. I am grateful for that. I'm grateful that I can't just do nothing and it compounds when I'm hurting. And when I do the things that move me and others forward, I don't hurt.

I just typed this message to a friend going through a hard thing and going through it from love and goodness. So, I'll share it with you and with myself. Don't forget to be patient and kind with yourself too. You deserve that. What would you tell someone you love going through the same thing right now? Because you are someone you love and I bet you'd give someone else the endless grace that you aren't giving yourself an ounce of right now.

All I can do right now is be willing. Let my heart be soft and open and trust that I've done the best I can and that the rest isn't in my hands. I deserve the best shot. I don't want more than reasonable at this moment, but I deserve the whole best of someone in the exploration. I give my whole best and I deserve the same thing from someone else. How am I ever going to let myself try if I can't trust that I'm not just getting what's left over? I've done enough of that for about seven lifetimes. I deserve the best chance. I'm ready for that chance. I can't make someone else ready for it.

I'm grateful for honesty and open conversation. That's just one more amazing part of that whole thing. I think I may miss that part most come Sunday.

I'm grateful. Above all, I'm grateful. I hope I can paint this weekend around a listening room show, a hiking trip to a waterfall, and rock climbing the boys have planned for me to cheer me up. I'm grateful that right now, that's what made me cry in all this. I'm crying because they love me so much and see me so clearly that they know what to do to lift me out of this. I hope to God I get to keep that in my life every single day.