Follow Me and Lead Me On

My therapist told me I look younger today. She always tells me that when my mind is well and quiet. For the first time in three years, I ran out of things to talk about. I told her that I'm mostly unbothered these days. It's hard to ruffle me. I feel self-assured and strong and happy. When you feel that way, you trust yourself. 

She confirmed that it was time and healing and definitely putting a stop to letting that one person manipulate me. I literally said "go fuck yourself" last night when asked if I wanted a hug. It was rude to do that in front of other people, but it needed to happen and despite being rude, the sentiment remains. Months without touching me and now you want a hug. Pass.

I got a text at the shop last night and when I looked down and saw who it was, one of the guys says "Who's got you smiling at your phone?" Which of course, only made me smile bigger and probably blush. I didn't even realize I'd telegraphed that one. 

A conversation started about dogma last night. I don't hate it. We talked about the history of Islam and Christianity and Judaism. I hate that we didn't have a scholar for the Quran. It eventually went full funhouse mirror when the notion (and I have no confirmation of these statistics) that one in three women in the Middle East is raped. I asked if he thought the stats here were better. That promptly deviated into "What is rape?" and what degree of sexual assault qualifies, not just legally, but in various aspects. I didn't look up the stats on the Middle East, but I did look up the stats for here. One in four women is the victim of either an attempted rape or a completed rape. Half of women are the victims of sexual assault. Well, let's call it a draw at what is that, one in three? I hate being right about that. Right-ish. Right enough. 

What I do like is that I've finally become confident and comfortable enough to speak and do so from gentle, reasonable place. I don't have to agree with you, but we can be kind to each other and speak to each other with good intentions. I'm proud of us for that. I really love the fuck out of these people.

I'm looking forward to picking up my brushes again. I have no idea what I'll paint, but something will come to me. Maybe something winter appropriate. I need to buy canvas. And I went to look, and Michael's is having a half off canvas sale! That thing that costs me $30 most of the time is on sale for $12 and I am over the moon. Makes me want to buy a giant one and... I don't know, definitely make a huge mess. And have fun doing it.

I'm also very much looking forward to Sunday. Looks like I'm right back in Athens for live music. I believe that puts me at 26 shows for the year, if my spreadsheet is correct. And I'm looking at adding one more after Christmas. I think considering all the rest that's gone on this year, that's a decent number. I'm glad that music is back with me. That whole phase where I'd rather hear silence than a song scared me. Something was wrong with me, something was missing, and I didn't know if it was ever going to come back. But it did. It came back with goosebumps and good vibes. See you at the show.


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