Are You Worried that You're Happier at War than at Peace

I think I'm in for a long night and possibly a long day tomorrow. I hate to admit that I feel it that much. I hate that every time I thought about it today, I got that burning lump in the pit of my stomach that feels like something sharp and on fire twisting inside. I hate that it matters that much to me. I guess it just seemed very much like such a strong beginning to something that could be incredible.

I stayed out just late enough to enjoy myself, but not so late that I'll regret it in the morning. I didn't self-destruct and I didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself. Balance.

I spent most of the day well distracted. We had our little local parade and the absolute joy of all the people was contagious. I hopped down from the truck to run handfuls of candy across the parking lot to the nursing home patients who had come out to watch the parade but couldn't get close enough to catch anything. I love that my body could hop down, run, give away the treats, catch the truck and hop back up. I was barely winded.

I understood the assignment and wore enough glitter, green stars, red lipstick and fake eyelashes to make a drag queen jealous. Thank you New Orleans, for that, and for teaching me to toss a parade throw and not brain anyone. I spread glitter to anyone who wanted it and even managed to get Mike with it. He made the same sound as when he sprayed us both with transmission fluid that one time. Totally worth the effort of catching him. The glitter is the good stuff and washes off easily, but I'll be finding flecks of glitter everywhere for months. Some people hate that, but every time I find a little shiny reminder, it's like a souvenir of a good time.

For the record, my costume size is not "small/medium." Chelle is a tiny thing, barely five feet. Her costume stretched a bit and we ended up doing the parking lot camping trip, overnight music festival, rave culture costume swap in the parking lot. The darn thing still nearly had me falling out top and bottom, but thank goodness for an extra pair of yellow tights.

The float beside us was a collection of classic toys. They had a giant Rubix cube and a live Irish Wolfhound with a wind up key on his back. That was stinking adorable. And his manners were impeccable. I love dogs as much as cats if not more on some days.

I saw a picture of myself today and on my face was Nanny's smile. I've never realized before that the way I sometimes turn down the very tiniest corner is the same way she smiled. I only do it when I'm really ecstatic. I'm so glad I get to carry that for her. I'm so glad that sometimes I still catch a glimpse of her. What a year, y'all.

We all went and had dinner together when it was over and, y'all, it was awesome. We were all riding the high of a truly successful event. We laughed so hard, drank a couple beers, talked about what to do for the Christmas meeting at the shop next week, the last one of the year. Mike's going to try another brisket. I told him I need him to actually cook it this time. We are a group of pretty good cooks. I'm making, you guessed it, cupcakes, and a casserole. They love those cupcakes and this is the time of year I usually end up making the same thing five or six times. I guess it's not always great to be really good at one thing. I sure am happy to have people who make me laugh like my people do. My sense of humor is odd, but it's always snappy. We're a quick lot and I love the way we verbally spar and tease. 

The boys talked about this party we're invited to next weekend. Y'all, I'm kind of stoked. I haven't been to one like this in about a decade. Iris puts on a wild one and I look forward to going to dance all night long like they do and probably see some old friends. I will do my best to invite someone if it all works out well. Something we talked about in the early part of the week and I'd like to give him that experience if I can. Novelty is one of my favorite things. I want to do everything once and the fun things twice.

I am sore and tired. I got down from the truck just past the middle of the parade to walk. I got to wish Merry Christmas and stretch my sore legs. I can't imagine why I'm sore. Could it be the pogo I did entirely too much of last night or maybe squatting the girls last night when the guys were trying to show off by simply picking them up. I used to do that with Gabe when he was a little smaller and it's a good time for everyone.

I think I have either some early wind burn or a little rash by my eye from the edges of glitter. My skin is so sensitive and delicate between early aging and my corticosteroids to treat my asthma. I maintain that it was totally worth getting to dress up. I love any excuse.

I got there last night and it happened again. I was in an emerald green bodysuit with lovely sheer sleeves and an open sweetheart neckline that shows off the line of my neck to the point of my shoulder and my collarbones. I got dressed yesterday carefully, funny as it is, thinking of a compliment on just that part I recently received and thought meant some attention had been paid. I slipped my embroidered moto jacket over and wore makeup and my hair all down and absolutely wild, tucked behind my left ear for that pop of blue gem in my ear jewelry. One of the boys hadn't seen me outside of the shop before. Last time, I wore my big, sage, sheep-lined hoodie, filthy jeans, my hair braided in pigtails and stuffed under my "Nobody's Darling" hat and not a drop of makeup. The poor kid didn't recognize me at first and then had a whole moment over my hair. I really do wonder what they must think of the two halves of me. I'm excited about the wedding in a couple weeks. I'm going to wear that shade of blue Mama likes me in. She always had the eye of an artist.

I have washed the glitter out of my hair, gotten warmed in the bath, taken my  meds with the addition of a tiny sliver of hydroxizine in hope that it will help me get to sleep and stay asleep. I'm putting my phone on do no disturb at midnight. There is nothing I can do until tomorrow at least. I've been reading on in the Bible. I want to be a scholar of that book too. And the Old Testament is something else. I forgot how much happens right at the beginning. I have a companion for church tomorrow. I always do better when someone goes with me. Not that I don't enjoy myself otherwise, but it's always good to have a familiar witness to the message.

Come what may, I have to eat at least a little crow tomorrow. I've been so protective of myself lately that sometimes instead of a healthy boundary, I just shut all the way down. Call me gunshy. That last round almost took me out and we won't be giving too much to someone who isn't on the same page again. The difference is, at least this time it's been handed to me with honesty. And I may have been harsh. I will do better. That's all we can do.