It's All About the Journey

I can't even write about most of this right now because I'm still a little physically ill over it. My big take away is to trust my gut more. I've never been good at that. And my instincts are good. I felt so guilty for being suspicious and not trusting. I thought it was just a sign that I wasn't ready. So I said I wasn't ready. Thank goodness for that. I told him that I was beginning to trust him and he made some sort of bullshit comment about how I was healing and he was glad. I apologized for projecting my mistrust. I didn't let myself get too emotionally invested after two months. I knew something was off. And when I asked, he assured me that there was nothing he wasn't telling me. Lied directly to my face with such sincerity. Even after I told him that he can do what he wants, just don't lie to me. He looked me in the face and said "It won't always be this way" because he's always so busy. And I said "I believe you because I...

Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. Some nights follow an eventful day. I rarely care for an eventful work day. I woke up and it was twelve degrees. No. The boy didn't want to take the bus. I cannot say that I blame him. I took him to school. I'd planned to make bread to take to my coworkers. There wasn't time for that. He made coffee. My child drinks his coffee black and makes it weak. I got sort of pulled over on my way to work. Was I speeding? Nope. Did I fail to use my blinker for a lane change? No way. I just moved a little too fast for this particular individual from Forsyth County's finest. Stopped traffic on a state highway, two lanes, to share his displeasure. He didn't get out of his giant SUV and he knew I'd done nothing illegal. I smiled and said "yes, sir" and didn't point out that the roads were fine and my roller skate with a turbo handles way better than the SUV full of soccer moms I was going around. I got to work. You...

Shew, I have been busy. I usually like staying busy, but this has been a bit much. I hit the ground running on Monday with a repeat blood test. I bragged about how I am not scared of needles and I'm a multi-gallon blood donor and that I basically have permanent track marks. Then I'm pretty sure the tech poked a hole through my whole arm. Bloomed into a lovely greenish-yellow bruise that has lasted for days. And the stupid thing hurt all day too. Immediately after that, Gabe had an orthodontist appointment. The structural correction is going well. Someone tell that boy to wear his rubber bands if he doesn't want to have picket fence teeth like his mama. Vanity may be our only hope. The child is vain. Tuesday was emotional. I woke up at 5am crying after going to bed Monday night crying. Waited all day for news. It arrived between 3 and 4 and I started crying again and cried until I went to bed. Relief and happiness this time. I don't consider myself a fearful person, but ...

Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. Feet on the ottoman covered in thick, fuzzy socks with the tready things on bottom. That did not save me from falling on the really clean floors in the kitchen when I changed directions too fast. And you know what you do when you fall? You catch yourself by putting out the hand of your dominant arm. For me, that's the busted one. And they say that's how this exact injury occurs sometimes. So I'm medicated. I did not sleep well last night. I went to bed angry, woke up at 1am angry, and then crawled out of bed this morning angry. More angry. I can hear my mother in my head saying "Being mad's like peeing on yourself: everyone else can see it, but you're the only one who can feel it." Then trying to adjust my attitude accordingly. It took most of the day and then I got mad about the same thing all over again. I've got to correct that. I just hate feeling like I'm not making myself clear and I hate not und...

It's 9:54pm and there is a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. My mascara is ruined and I am ugly crying. Why has this shit got to be so hard? She's right. I have so much cancer trauma that I can't even recognize. There is no one I have not reached out to that I can imagine speaking with. It's so much at the rawest, softest, gentlest, weakest parts of me. I am glad that my child is not home to see this. It's pure pain and fear and all of those things that make us animals. What a terrible, terrible day. What a day. After bragging serially about my absolute absence of fear in regard to needles. I think the tech poked the needle all the way through my whole arm this morning. It hurt for hours and now the vein is all swollen and purple. That's weird. Can't say I like it. Whole vein is officially blown. Hurts like hell. Then to the orthodontist to find out that the $6,000 mouth isn't wearing his rubber bands. The good news is that the bands are simply to...

  Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. I've managed to get a tiny heater on my green ottoman by my feet. That feels bloody fantastic. Today, I took Gabe to work and then treated myself to a pedicure. I usually keep these toes looking nice, for my own benefit, really. But I've been watching the pinky toenail on my right foot after it went black after a trail run. Runner feet, man. They ain't cute. I came home and cleaned the floors all over the house again. I love the feel of bare feet on clean hard floors. I love the lines on a freshly-vacuumed carpet. Then I laid on the couch like a blob for an hour, texting variously. It's been recently brought to my attention that I can't not do something. I guess that's pretty accurate. I want to always have something to show for my time. And I tend to feel guilty if I don't. I had an undesirable result on a blood test last week that could indicate a kidney problem. It's not the first time that exact result...

I woke up this morning with an ache in the right side of my jaw. Not a sore muscle, but right in the joint when I chew. I must either have clenched my jaw all night in my sleep or I'm getting a nasty ear infection. I guess we'll see in the morning. The house is empty. It's both wonderful and sad. It's very clean. I like that entirely more than is normal. I miss my child. But he managed to fail to do the one thing I asked of him to help me. If I ask, it's because I really need it. I never ask. It's so hard for me. Perhaps the last five years living the way we have eclipsed that for him. I've just done it all. And it shows. On my heart and my hands and in the way my mind is so cynical. He skipped school today. The first day after the break. After accidentally, while closing my bedroom curtains yesterday afternoon, catching him with his girlfriend when she picked him up. It was just a hug. A hug that went on and on. I'd have stopped looking were it more. Ju...

Story time. I tell stories about my Nanny all the time. She is a different breed. She comes from a different time. She's tiny and wiry and made of stuff I can't understand. She's a paradox walking. She's loving and judgmental. She's strong, but she weighs a buck ten soaking wet and fully-clothed. She's never had money, but she's always had taste. She's demure, but she has a gift for a one-liner that will make you blush. She's a lady, but sometimes she's surprised me with a "shit" hissed between her teeth. She can't spell to save her life, but she earned a 96 in high school algebra. She's Black Irish if there ever was such a thing, maiden name of Conner with hair almost black and green eyes. She was Scarlett O'Hara come to life. The thing about Nanny is that she is sneaky and shrewd and you don't expect even though you know her. Many years ago, I was away from the house for the day. Could have been college, could have bee...

Me and my best friend, Chris, have a phrase. Okay, we have a bunch, including "I like that black fucking Darjeeling" and "decent." But the one that keeps coming to mind today is "Ah, there it is." You say it slowly with a soft smile and if you're feeling it, close your eyes. When we say it, we mean that feeling of contentment tinged with just a sprinkle of real joy. We have shared so many of those moments together. I think I even caught him on camera for one. The photo sits on my bookshelf by the television. I can see his teeth from across the room. One of the people I love most in the world in the place that made me, happy and content.  He and I were not much alike all those years ago. It's funny how we've gotten more and more similar over the years. He would describe himself as "apolitical" and have no idea of the magnitude of the privilege that shows. I never believed he wasn't a good person, but empathy isn't something you...

  Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. The ottoman: new. The feet: the very same. I feel pressured to write something profound because it's New Year's Day. I've kept good company the past few days. It's made me happy to do just exactly as I please. I fully sober left my cell phone in an Uber Saturday night. I suppose I was distracted by good company. You know that feeling when you're high from a show and just laughing and telling stories and happy? Despite the cold, the whole night was that way. German beer in an Irish pub and "shaking like a chihuahua" standing on the curb waiting for the car. The offer of a flannel, or a jacket, or anything I'd have accepted to make me more comfortable. Not wanting to overstep. An excellent show. Songs that made me think too hard about what's gone now. Forgetting my ID and wearing the underage band I've not had to wear for a decade and a half. I will never not love Lilly. Even if she forgot her Rick...