The Ones Who Have Loved Me, the Ones Who Have Tried

Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. Some nights follow an eventful day. I rarely care for an eventful work day. I woke up and it was twelve degrees. No. The boy didn't want to take the bus. I cannot say that I blame him. I took him to school. I'd planned to make bread to take to my coworkers. There wasn't time for that. He made coffee. My child drinks his coffee black and makes it weak.

I got sort of pulled over on my way to work. Was I speeding? Nope. Did I fail to use my blinker for a lane change? No way. I just moved a little too fast for this particular individual from Forsyth County's finest. Stopped traffic on a state highway, two lanes, to share his displeasure. He didn't get out of his giant SUV and he knew I'd done nothing illegal. I smiled and said "yes, sir" and didn't point out that the roads were fine and my roller skate with a turbo handles way better than the SUV full of soccer moms I was going around.

I got to work. You know, this was the silver lining. Someone else helped me be brave enough to ask my company to pay for a grant writing certification. I've always wanted to do this. It's my favorite parts of writing, which is my favorite part of me. I'll still take the course if my job won't pay for it. I want to do this because I offered to help with a non-profit geared towards a hands-on therapy program for veterans to prevent substance misuse and death for veterans. It's this beautiful cause, y'all. And it's real and I believe in it so much. And I can totally help. Nothing makes me happier than helping.

I went down to the gym on my lunch and rowed a 6k in the company gym. We can't wear leggings. It's still so funny to me. "Same shit, different decade." So I totally rowed in basketball shorts. I looked totally butch. I guess it's really only a matter of time.

I left work and my goddamn car had a check engine light. My first response was panic. Then I realized there was someone I could call. So I did, and he, with full calm, told me exactly what to do, reinforcing my instincts. It felt really nice not to have to think too hard about the decision to call. It felt like the right thing. The obvious and safe thing.

It's the same shit it always is. I think this car has done the same thing five times over seven years? It once pulled this shit in Clarksdale, Mississippi. You know what's in Clarksdale? Blues and nothing. It's nothing. Reset the ECU, fill the tank, and it goes away. The turbo acts up and the climate control cannot be controlled and the bluetooth won't either blue or tooth.

I got home to my new dining room rug. The boy had pulled it inside. It's beautiful.

Immediately, a heart from my past showed up. I keep reliving this. For fifteen years. That's twice in two days I had to deal again with a ghost. I mean, I'll never not love him, but I gotta lay that to rest with his ashes. Memory says they ended up in the Himalayas. Memory may not be clear. But he belongs in the mountains he never got to see. Thirty years is not enough years. Tibet. Somewhere in Tibet.

I sit here with my frozen pizza because I'm tired of leftovers and there is too much food to cook more. I want to. I love the symmetry and clarity of the kitchen. I love standing there asking someone else to open the caper jar with no hesitation because it hurt my shoulder. I love the final product. I love someone else washing the dishes. I love.

Tonight is not a bad night. Today was not a bad day. There's always gold glitter lashes and blue so hot it's almost white and prison tattoos and "semper fidelis" and caper jars and trust and feeling like there is always someone to call. Eagle, globe, and anchor probably runs in my blood by now. Far away. Let's see what we can do about that part.

I have a heater at my feet. I have my darling girl purring in my lap. Mr. Mayweather is on the bench over there on the warming mat. Dinner is waiting on me. The dishes are washed. The floors are clean. The near future looks good and I'm ready and waiting for her. She's a beautiful prospect. And I am ready. Some nights are like this. I may be in Suwanee, Georgia, but I'm everywhere, time and space. Life is good. Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia.

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