No Apology because My Urge is Genuine

My therapist instructed me to journal about these fellas in my life. Two in my life, I suppose. The third has been gone for seventeen years here shortly.

She wanted me to list the attractive qualities of each of them and see what commonality I find. In order not to doxx the living, we'll call them Jay, M, and D. Jay doesn't care because he is dead. He wouldn't care anyway. He never had any shame. Attractive quality 1.

Jay

I loved him because he was one of the first men I ever met who was confident like that. Probably because he was 28 to my 20. Actually, I think I was still 19. He had no fear. I saw him across the mall and I saw him look. I really was just his type, chin up, challenge. He was wearing that yellow hoodie. That was his uniform when he wasn't at work. His ability to wear that hoodie and a ball cap juxtaposed with how wonderful he looked in a blue button down with a tie. Well, is that 2?

He was sharp as a tack. Smart. I can't do much with a dumb man. 3.

He had this incredible build. I swear, a tall man can't do it. Just shoulders and arms and strong legs and chest. Even when he got a little round in the belly, he looked so good. 4.

He worshiped me. Thought I was beautiful in a way that couldn't be real. He actually watched me take out my contacts one night, intent that I'd been lying about my eye color. He said my eyes got me laid. He was so attentive. 5.

Everyone loved him. He had this elusive, magnetic charisma. Women wanted him and men wanted to be him. He wasn't classically handsome, so that wasn't it. He had this little boy kind of charm that didn't line up to him. Like every once in a while, the confidence would slip and he'd give this sheepish smile. He wasn't what most people would describe as good-looking. He had a weak chin, thin lips, and his nose was entirely too large. He did have magnificent dark hair. Shiny and just barely a wave. 6.

I loved his spontaneity. His sense of adventure. If it was fun, he wanted to do it. Keep doing it if it really was fun. To his own detriment, often. 7.

He was unpredictable. I wonder now if that was the bipolar. But I loved it. He kept me guessing. 8.

He made me work so hard to earn him. And I did. That's my type of any person. I want to have to prove myself. Love me hard. Make me work. Nothing worth having is easy. I chased that man for six months so hard my head spun and my heart broke. But then he thought it was his idea to love me and I let him. 9.

He was always a little wild. I love that in any person. You'd find him in the deepest part of the party, causing a stir. 10.

He was hysterical. Kept me laughing. 11.

Ridiculous in bed. I don't have to offer too much detail. Shameless and attentive and fun. 12.

He sort of got me into music that was out of my comfort zone. He loved music. He loved to dance. That glee was childlike again. Sort of that choice to remain innocent. 13 and 14? "Our song" is the title track for today's post. And I don't feel like sobbing. I'm smiling as I listen.

He loved touch. Always touching. Me, anyone. 15.

I always felt safe. I slept better than I ever have in his arms. 16.

Recap:

1. Confident
2. Managed to look good in anything. Not just good, but right.
3. Smart
4. Gorgeous body
5. Thought I was beautiful and was absolutely unashamed of thinking it. Proud of it, even.
6. Enigmatic magnetism
7. Spontaneity/Sense of Adventure
8. Unpredictable
9. He made me work to love me. An ever-present challenge.
10. Wild
11. Funny
12. Really good in bed
13. Music
14. Intentional childlike innocence and joy
15. Touchy-feely
16. Feels safe

M:

I felt sexy. It's a great feeling. It's a powerful feeling. He would tell me so and he would look at me like it and I believed him. 1.

He loved my confidence and my spice. I don't really have much use for a man who can't handle my one-liners and dirty mind. It bores me. 2.

He's wild. Unpredictable. The fun things and sometimes twice to be sure. 3.

That same charisma and confidence and little boy charm. I love making him blush. 4.

Did I mention that he looks good naked?  Really good. I'm going to need him to just not wear clothes, please. 5. 

He's so much fun. Just being around him is fun. You never know if he'll hand you a jello shot or crack a bad joke. And you'll love both from him. 6.

I liked that he had this calling to good in this world. That's not common and it just warmed me. He's a great dad. I think that rolls into the last bit. I mean, philosophically, he's a really good person. I wish he could give that goodness to me a little. 7.

He's so damn smart and a really good writer. And not just smart, like emotionally intelligent and intuitive and perceptive. He can pick up on the tiniest little clues. Of course, he also works with his hands and his mind. I love that so much on a person. He has no idea what he is in that department. I'm quite smart and a good writer, so I know it when I see it. 8.

He's an eternal challenge. In every possible way. I guess I'm that way too, so at least we're evenly matched. He lets me get away with nothing. 9.

That enigmatic charm again. I think everyone wants to be in his brain but no one really gets to be there. We'd probably all lose our entire minds. 10.

Great taste in music. I mean, that's what made me feel like I had to go on a date with him in the first place. And he's never faltered. I can't help but wonder if he just constantly listens to music or if he just senses me that well or if he's playing the game. 11.

I think he's really good-looking. But I thought Jay was good-looking too. I wouldn't have called either beautiful men. Attractive isn't always just about features. It's the combination of all the things and damn, he's it for me. 12.

I love that he works with his hands. I think a man dirty from work is maybe the sexiest thing on the planet. 13.

I love that damn dog. I love how they love each other. It softens me to no end. 14.

He can't keep his hands to himself in both the romantic way and the innocent way. Always touching. And when I reach out to touch him, he always steps into it. And if I ever ask, I get what I want. But is also very respectful of other people's space. It's a conundrum, that one. I'm obsessed with it. 15.

He makes me feel safe. I know that no matter what happens, if he's there, I'll get out of it in one piece. Whether he's got to talk it down or handle it otherwise. 16.

Recap:

1. Tells me how beautiful/sexy I am and makes me believe it.
2. Confidence and his way of loving mine.
3. Wild and unpredictable.
4. Charisma/ youthful charm, intentional innocence and childlike joy
5. He's so much fun
6. Great body
7. He's a good person and a good dad. He wants to do good.
8. Smart- great writer, emotional intelligence.
9. Challenges me in so many ways
10. Enigmatic magnetism
11. Music
12. Handsome
13. Works with his hands/ gets dirty
14. Luci
15. Touchy-feely
16. Feels safe

D:

He's still so new to me. He's intense. I love that. 1.

He seems to have a good grip of himself. Self-aware. 2.

He's handsome. Man, that little boy smile on this big, strong man. Yes, please. 3.

Confident as a motherfucker. It just radiates off him. I hate the idea of "daddy energy" but that's it. 4.

World wise and seems to understand his place in the grand scheme. 5.

Emotionally mature and perceptive. He called out my whole personality in maybe our third message exchange. 6.

He's open and just kind of plops everything on the table. Told me his life story and asked why I was single in the first date. I can't help but wonder if that's because dating in 2024 hasn't bitten him on the ass yet. 7.

He definitely has that enigmatic magnetism. I found myself leaning so far into him on our first date that I felt like he would have thought I was throwing myself at him. 8.

He gives a damn good hug. I suspect he'll be another one that wants my touch at all times. I find that reassuring when some people find it smothering. We hugged at the end of our first date and when he started to draw back, I asked him to keep doing that and he leaned right back in. 9.

He's a good dad and appears to be a good person. Had a charity event the night before our first date. He's a dance dad to two girls 13 and 17 and has been through hell with one of them. 10.

He's respectful of boundaries. When I asked him not to call me "love" he apologized and hasn't done it since. That's hawt. 11.

He's attentive. It took him five seconds after our first date to text me and ask what I really thought. I wasn't about to tell him I was already on the phone with my mom gushing. He did the same thing after our second date. And I told him exactly at this moment. 12.

It just feels good to be around him. I feel safe and still challenged. That's the sweet spot. Like we have a second date today and I just can't wait to be in the same room with him. That's weird. 13.

He smells so fucking good. I don't know what he was wearing, but some of it rubbed off on my clothes and lingered there all day. Mmmm. 14.

He seems to have his life together. Makes good money and is established. 15.

Knows exactly what he wants. Won't settle. We have that in common. 16.

Recap:

1. Intense
2. Self-aware
3. Handsome
4. Confident to a fault
5. World wise and self-aware
6. Emotionally mature and perceptive
7. Open and dependable
8. Enigmatic magnetism
9. The hug. Man, that hug. I could have stayed in his arms for an hour.
10. Good guy
11. Respectful of my boundaries
12. Attentive
13. I feel good and safe around him while still feeling challenged
14. He smells stupid good
15. He's together, makes good money
16. Knows what he wants and won't settle

Well, D turned out to be a dirtbag. I've got a type. The lies. The complete evasiveness once he's caught. Stop with the backpedaling and admit what you did. 

I'm trying not to give too much credit to someone I don't even know. But it looks pretty clear, doesn't it? I think that's exactly what my therapist was trying to tell me. She's a smart one.