Post Mortem
I'm going to go back over my year. Whew, I am totally doing this. I can't even read back over those first blogs without feeling like a total bitch. Some of those guys were perfectly acceptable, better than that in fact, and I just wasn't ready to be accepting. I rejected them because I was unprepared. I think that gives me a new perspective on some of the heartbreaks in my life. Maybe they were just where I was when we dated.
Okay, well, let's just do this from beginning to end. Let's start with Joe. I found him. Or, rather, Facebook found him for me. He popped up one day in the People You May Know list. My heart almost stopped when I saw him. The same profile picture from five years ago. His skin... I am such a sucker for that golden look. So, I ballsed up and messaged him. He didn't reply. I just guessed he was still mad at me for abandoning him for someone who had a few minutes for me. I don't require much, but I do need to be somewhere in the time priority list above cleaning the baseboards.
Well, he did reply, almost a week later. He apologized for its taking so long and said that my message went to his "Other" box. We picked right up where we left off. I love flirting with this man! It was so much fun. This time it just kind of fizzled out in a string of Facebook chats and my realization that he's selfish and disinterested and not even close to what I need. Too bad. But you know, it's good to have that loose end wrapped up.
I still hear from Ray occasionally. He's still single and wallowing in self-pity. I will still not pity fuck him. Confidence is sexy. Seduce me by showing me that you know you're good enough and that you think I am too. I pity his insecurity and his emotional issues, but I can't even go there.
Aaron swiped right on Tinder in the not to recent past. I swiped left. I do deserve better than that kind of treatment. And I probably could kill him with one arm these days. He was just a little fella.
After Jason, I've given up on dating men who are religious. I just can't do it. For some reason, even though I make it very clear, they all think that I'm actually convertible. I'm not. Really. My ex (who is still a dear friend of mine) caught me off guard with a shocker a few months ago when he told me that I he thinks I really do believe in God, despite the conversation we'd just had to the contrary. I'm just not hateful about my atheism. Believe what you will, and I'll do the same. Thank you. Jason was really kind of scary and controlling before we even went out. That's a recipe for an abusive relationship and I don't play that game.
I still adhere to The List. It seems like a huge deal suddenly, though. All of those requirements seem kind of intense. I hate to even do this, but I'm going to quote Dr. Phil (misogynistic, sexist, ass that he is). He says to find someone who is 80% what you want and the 20% you can live with but don't love. I guess it just depends on the scale of 80/20. I've become more forgiving and accepting over the past year because let me tell you, I am a handful.
I haven't had the pleasure of dating another dark beauty like this guy but I'm also getting really good at listening to my inner voice and not getting into situations that make me uncomfortable. A confident and serious "no" is getting quite effective.
Bryan! Here's a fantastic follow-up. He's in love. She's amazing! We still keep up and I've met his family and he's kind of invited me into his life. It's so strange to find a friend like that in the midst of the wreckage. We played league soccer together and I went to his Halloween party and we watched World Cup with his parents. His kids are a hoot! I think of him now as one of those guys that I can call when my heart is broken and my life is a wreck and he offers this clear wisdom and a friendly ear. He's a rare gem. So, sometimes these things turn out great and you have friends forever. I can't wait to dance at their wedding.
The beautiful seminary student who reminded me of Wolverine is another story. I think I broke his heart. He called me the girl with sunshine hair and adored my every possible aspect. He had some weird predilections and he was so young. I just wasn't ready to go jumping into the life of being a minister's wife. Holy shit, you know? I'd have spent my whole life faking for everyone, but he would know the truth and I couldn't do that. When I met the guy I dated for a few months, I told him. He stopped calling and texting. I think I broke his heart. He didn't deserve that.
Payton sent me a text a few weeks ago. I know, this late in the game. I didn't respond. I just am not interested in him. He is one of those really good guys that I wasn't ready for and I don't think I can go back to where I was enough to want to date him. He was cute and brilliant and had that Kryptonite combination of dark hair and blue eyes that makes me stupid and useless, but I just can't. It's me, not him. Really this time.
Blake turned out to be the most innocuous kind of asshole there is. Actually, that's not true at all. He was completely polite and kind about the whole thing, but I get a text saying that we just aren't a good fit for each other. I think the combination of Gabriel and Brutus scared him. Too much responsibility in my life for him to want to jump in. I can't even say I blame him. Well, and we all know that I can't really be with a vegetarian. They're like, not even really people.
And that pretty much wraps up my year of blogs. It doesn't wrap up all of the dates though. I still have a list somewhere and some really great ammunition. You know what else I have? A boyfriend. I think. We're still new at this, but I adore him, from his messy morning hair to his dimples, to his strong hands and his periodic table tattoo and his cute butt. He's clever, snarky, sexy, ambitious, athletic, family-oriented and great with Gabriel. He understands my past. I told him a story about my dad and he got this look on his face and I just knew that he really understands that loss. It feels nice to be understood. Let's watch.
He has his faults, but I want to work with him to make us good together. He's worth the effort and worth every moment of the wait. It's not what we can be that worries me, it's just how long it could take to get there. I'm not known for patience.
The things I've learned this year are kind of intense. I've had my own issues reflected for me so many times it's not funny. That shit hurts. I've also realized that the only thing that can rival my mental and emotional strength is my physical strength. I'm a Spartan Trifecta 2014. I never knew I could do this. I didn't do it alone. I had so much help and support from my friends and my team. It's like anything else in life: it's easier if you have a little help.
I've gotten over some of my hangups about stuff like... beards is a good one. I've realized that sometimes a beard is just part of a great man and that I'm an idiot if I want to write him off for just having one. That's stupid. There have been so many of those realizations this year.
I've decided what I don't want. I don't want a friend, I don't want a sometimes lover, I don't want someone to worship and pine for or someone to which I must sacrifice myself for his ego. I want a partner. Someone to be there. Someone I can always talk to and who accepts and appreciates me as is. That's my biggest need. Someone who understands me and can match me fire for fire. Someone who is willing to give me his best and try his hardest. I only want what I offer. I'm a great girlfriend and a pretty damn good person. I still won't settle. I didn't lose that this year.
I hope you all have a lovely holiday season and find next year full of peace and hope and promise. I know I will.
Okay, well, let's just do this from beginning to end. Let's start with Joe. I found him. Or, rather, Facebook found him for me. He popped up one day in the People You May Know list. My heart almost stopped when I saw him. The same profile picture from five years ago. His skin... I am such a sucker for that golden look. So, I ballsed up and messaged him. He didn't reply. I just guessed he was still mad at me for abandoning him for someone who had a few minutes for me. I don't require much, but I do need to be somewhere in the time priority list above cleaning the baseboards.
Well, he did reply, almost a week later. He apologized for its taking so long and said that my message went to his "Other" box. We picked right up where we left off. I love flirting with this man! It was so much fun. This time it just kind of fizzled out in a string of Facebook chats and my realization that he's selfish and disinterested and not even close to what I need. Too bad. But you know, it's good to have that loose end wrapped up.
I still hear from Ray occasionally. He's still single and wallowing in self-pity. I will still not pity fuck him. Confidence is sexy. Seduce me by showing me that you know you're good enough and that you think I am too. I pity his insecurity and his emotional issues, but I can't even go there.
Aaron swiped right on Tinder in the not to recent past. I swiped left. I do deserve better than that kind of treatment. And I probably could kill him with one arm these days. He was just a little fella.
After Jason, I've given up on dating men who are religious. I just can't do it. For some reason, even though I make it very clear, they all think that I'm actually convertible. I'm not. Really. My ex (who is still a dear friend of mine) caught me off guard with a shocker a few months ago when he told me that I he thinks I really do believe in God, despite the conversation we'd just had to the contrary. I'm just not hateful about my atheism. Believe what you will, and I'll do the same. Thank you. Jason was really kind of scary and controlling before we even went out. That's a recipe for an abusive relationship and I don't play that game.
I still adhere to The List. It seems like a huge deal suddenly, though. All of those requirements seem kind of intense. I hate to even do this, but I'm going to quote Dr. Phil (misogynistic, sexist, ass that he is). He says to find someone who is 80% what you want and the 20% you can live with but don't love. I guess it just depends on the scale of 80/20. I've become more forgiving and accepting over the past year because let me tell you, I am a handful.
I haven't had the pleasure of dating another dark beauty like this guy but I'm also getting really good at listening to my inner voice and not getting into situations that make me uncomfortable. A confident and serious "no" is getting quite effective.
Bryan! Here's a fantastic follow-up. He's in love. She's amazing! We still keep up and I've met his family and he's kind of invited me into his life. It's so strange to find a friend like that in the midst of the wreckage. We played league soccer together and I went to his Halloween party and we watched World Cup with his parents. His kids are a hoot! I think of him now as one of those guys that I can call when my heart is broken and my life is a wreck and he offers this clear wisdom and a friendly ear. He's a rare gem. So, sometimes these things turn out great and you have friends forever. I can't wait to dance at their wedding.
The beautiful seminary student who reminded me of Wolverine is another story. I think I broke his heart. He called me the girl with sunshine hair and adored my every possible aspect. He had some weird predilections and he was so young. I just wasn't ready to go jumping into the life of being a minister's wife. Holy shit, you know? I'd have spent my whole life faking for everyone, but he would know the truth and I couldn't do that. When I met the guy I dated for a few months, I told him. He stopped calling and texting. I think I broke his heart. He didn't deserve that.
Payton sent me a text a few weeks ago. I know, this late in the game. I didn't respond. I just am not interested in him. He is one of those really good guys that I wasn't ready for and I don't think I can go back to where I was enough to want to date him. He was cute and brilliant and had that Kryptonite combination of dark hair and blue eyes that makes me stupid and useless, but I just can't. It's me, not him. Really this time.
Blake turned out to be the most innocuous kind of asshole there is. Actually, that's not true at all. He was completely polite and kind about the whole thing, but I get a text saying that we just aren't a good fit for each other. I think the combination of Gabriel and Brutus scared him. Too much responsibility in my life for him to want to jump in. I can't even say I blame him. Well, and we all know that I can't really be with a vegetarian. They're like, not even really people.
And that pretty much wraps up my year of blogs. It doesn't wrap up all of the dates though. I still have a list somewhere and some really great ammunition. You know what else I have? A boyfriend. I think. We're still new at this, but I adore him, from his messy morning hair to his dimples, to his strong hands and his periodic table tattoo and his cute butt. He's clever, snarky, sexy, ambitious, athletic, family-oriented and great with Gabriel. He understands my past. I told him a story about my dad and he got this look on his face and I just knew that he really understands that loss. It feels nice to be understood. Let's watch.
He has his faults, but I want to work with him to make us good together. He's worth the effort and worth every moment of the wait. It's not what we can be that worries me, it's just how long it could take to get there. I'm not known for patience.
The things I've learned this year are kind of intense. I've had my own issues reflected for me so many times it's not funny. That shit hurts. I've also realized that the only thing that can rival my mental and emotional strength is my physical strength. I'm a Spartan Trifecta 2014. I never knew I could do this. I didn't do it alone. I had so much help and support from my friends and my team. It's like anything else in life: it's easier if you have a little help.
I've gotten over some of my hangups about stuff like... beards is a good one. I've realized that sometimes a beard is just part of a great man and that I'm an idiot if I want to write him off for just having one. That's stupid. There have been so many of those realizations this year.
I've decided what I don't want. I don't want a friend, I don't want a sometimes lover, I don't want someone to worship and pine for or someone to which I must sacrifice myself for his ego. I want a partner. Someone to be there. Someone I can always talk to and who accepts and appreciates me as is. That's my biggest need. Someone who understands me and can match me fire for fire. Someone who is willing to give me his best and try his hardest. I only want what I offer. I'm a great girlfriend and a pretty damn good person. I still won't settle. I didn't lose that this year.
I hope you all have a lovely holiday season and find next year full of peace and hope and promise. I know I will.
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