The List
I promised you all last week that I would write a blog that maybe kind of deviates from the usual. I guess I'm really getting tired of all the negative all over the place! Don't worry, I'll be back next week to the usual fodder, and boy do I have one for you!
So today, the week after Valentine's Day, I have a blog geared more towards the guys than the girls. I would love to hear any feedback you may have, guys or girls on this one. This is my list of things to do to attract girls.
1.) Be Honest! I make this one number one because it's the most important to me. It may seem like a no-brainer, but don't create an inaccurate persona that you are going to have to keep up with. I mean more than just not lying about whether you are single, married, separated, polyamorous or bisexual or whatever it is you. I don't just mean talking about your job truthfully. I don't just mean portraying yourself as you really are physically. I mean right down to what you are looking for in a relationship (or a not relationship). Be honest and truthful about what you are, who you are, what you want and where you want things to go. This one is hard because (as I can attest) some of us don't really know what we want. Just keep those communication lines open and keep talking. You'll get it sorted out eventually, but only if you don't clam up.
2.) Take Care of Yourself! This seems like another no-brainer, doesn't it? Let me elaborate. Take care of your body. Everyone loves clean and well-groomed. After all, every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. That means not looking like ZZ Top. They are not any of these awesome things, but that's another topic entirely (I'm not into facial hair, and boy do they have it). But taking care of yourself is about more than taking care of your physical vessel. Yes, do take a shower, keep your nails trimmed, and maybe even a little manscaping, but also take care of your mental, emotional and psychological self. No one wants to be involved with a mess of a human being in any sense of the word.
3.) Take Care of your Space! This one seems a little less important than some of the others, but as someone who is exceptionally tidy (despite having a little kid to clean up after) there is nothing sexier than a man who takes pride in his spaces. Please, no one look at my car right now! I remember when I met a man once and went to his house the first time, it smelled so clean. He may have gotten laid that night. What I mean is he totally got laid that night and every night for three years. I knew that I could depend on him not to be a slob that I had to clean up after. Conversely, I spent one completely sexless night with a man who could have been awesome for me, except that his bathroom was disgusting. Cleanliness really matters. And this helps with item 2 as well. It's easier to take care of yourself if you have a nice clean space.
4.) If You Like Her, Call Her! This is another of my pet peeves. From what I understand, guys feel the same way. I hate that feeling of not being sure if a man likes me or if he's just kind of trying to keep me on the table as an option, or is maybe just kind of using me as an ego boost. I hate that limbo feeling. If you think about me, send me a text. Don't leave me wondering if you really like me. Even the most confident of us have insecurities. If I'm responding to you, then I like you. I'll stop if I don't. I don't play and I don't want to be played with.
5.) Don't be a Drama Llama! My whole weekend embodied what I did not want to be on this front. I will chock it up to lessons learned and hope that I didn't mess up what was the beginning of a really nice thing. I understand that we all have baggage: be it emotional (me, me me!), psychological, physical, mental, whatever. But the point is to take that baggage and learn from and try not to drag it around with you for the rest of your life. In fact, not even for five months after it should have been burned away like old love letters. If you thrive on drama, see item 1. I am not into that sort of thing, so I can say this is what I don't want.
6.) Notice Things/Pay Attention! One of the best things I've ever experience in dating is when a guy notices something that's not necessarily obvious. I can honestly say that the one that gets me the most is (go ahead and think I'm a weirdo if you want) when a man notices my toes. I am a runner, but I have regular pedicures and I love picking vibrant, interesting colors. I love the thought that a man is looking at me so hard that he even notices my toenails. It's easy to say "you look great" or "you're so pretty" or "you're eyes are beautiful" but come on, those are so unoriginal. Think about your compliments, those are the most meaningful ones. One guy that I like very much has complimented my shoes every time we've been out. I love it. Another man complimented my muscular legs. Not "hey, your legs are sexy" but "wow, your legs are muscular". That was awesome. So look for the small things. These are the things that women notice.
7.) Be an Active Listener! What this means is listening to understand, not just to respond. If you don't understand, stop her and ask her what she means. That's proof that you care about what she has to say. Rephrase things and repeat them so that you can apply your own understanding to someone who's trying to reach out to you. Body language is important here too. Lean in when she speaks, make eye contact, smile and keep those arms uncrossed and think about keeping your palms facing her. These are body language cues for someone who is open and receptive.
8.) Try to Find Interest in Her Interests! If she reads (like me) ask for book recommendations, if she's into a television series, watch an episode or two and see if you like it, if she likes music, go listen to her favorite band, if she's into art, take her to a museum. These are not complicated things. Don't change who you are because of someone else, but remain open to new things because you never know until you try. I was entirely smitten by a man who learned of my love for Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and therefore went and looked up "A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings" so we could talk about it together. It's four pages, not a big story. What turned me on was the effort he put into getting to know what I like. It was amazing.
9.) Treat Her Like a Whole Person! Okay, let me explain what I mean by this. I don't like being treated like a conquest. I don't like being treated like a collection of orifices, or legs and breasts. I don't like being treated like an incubator for offspring. One of my guy friends has a lovely accent and he says that it sucks sometimes because he thinks that women like the idea of him more than the actual him because of his accent instead of for who he is as a person. Then we got started talking about objectification. Of course that hits a nerve in my feminist underbelly. So what I'm saying is treat her like she's a whole person. Treat a woman the way you would want them to treat you. She's a person too.
10.) Go in with an Open Heart/Mind! It's so common to meet men who have this wall up. How can you create anything new if you are stuck hanging on to hurt from the past? It's hard to create connections with people who are emotionally closed off. I had rather have a broken heart (and I've had the ultimate broken heart) than to not take a chance and maybe miss out on that feeling that I'm always in search of. If you are having trouble with walls, see item 1. If it's hard to be open, see item 1. Just tell her. I know it's hard to let your feelings out, but it's so much easier to live with an open mouth than a closed heart. I know we live in a culture where dudes are supposed to be tough and stoic, but the really attractive guys are manly, but not macho and not emotionally void or emotionally ambiguous. Let it go, you will feel so much better.
Well, that's all for this week, folks. Next week, I'll be back with a recent horror story and after that, I think I'll tell a few good tales in the dating world. After all, they haven't been all bad.
So today, the week after Valentine's Day, I have a blog geared more towards the guys than the girls. I would love to hear any feedback you may have, guys or girls on this one. This is my list of things to do to attract girls.
1.) Be Honest! I make this one number one because it's the most important to me. It may seem like a no-brainer, but don't create an inaccurate persona that you are going to have to keep up with. I mean more than just not lying about whether you are single, married, separated, polyamorous or bisexual or whatever it is you. I don't just mean talking about your job truthfully. I don't just mean portraying yourself as you really are physically. I mean right down to what you are looking for in a relationship (or a not relationship). Be honest and truthful about what you are, who you are, what you want and where you want things to go. This one is hard because (as I can attest) some of us don't really know what we want. Just keep those communication lines open and keep talking. You'll get it sorted out eventually, but only if you don't clam up.
2.) Take Care of Yourself! This seems like another no-brainer, doesn't it? Let me elaborate. Take care of your body. Everyone loves clean and well-groomed. After all, every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. That means not looking like ZZ Top. They are not any of these awesome things, but that's another topic entirely (I'm not into facial hair, and boy do they have it). But taking care of yourself is about more than taking care of your physical vessel. Yes, do take a shower, keep your nails trimmed, and maybe even a little manscaping, but also take care of your mental, emotional and psychological self. No one wants to be involved with a mess of a human being in any sense of the word.
3.) Take Care of your Space! This one seems a little less important than some of the others, but as someone who is exceptionally tidy (despite having a little kid to clean up after) there is nothing sexier than a man who takes pride in his spaces. Please, no one look at my car right now! I remember when I met a man once and went to his house the first time, it smelled so clean. He may have gotten laid that night. What I mean is he totally got laid that night and every night for three years. I knew that I could depend on him not to be a slob that I had to clean up after. Conversely, I spent one completely sexless night with a man who could have been awesome for me, except that his bathroom was disgusting. Cleanliness really matters. And this helps with item 2 as well. It's easier to take care of yourself if you have a nice clean space.
4.) If You Like Her, Call Her! This is another of my pet peeves. From what I understand, guys feel the same way. I hate that feeling of not being sure if a man likes me or if he's just kind of trying to keep me on the table as an option, or is maybe just kind of using me as an ego boost. I hate that limbo feeling. If you think about me, send me a text. Don't leave me wondering if you really like me. Even the most confident of us have insecurities. If I'm responding to you, then I like you. I'll stop if I don't. I don't play and I don't want to be played with.
5.) Don't be a Drama Llama! My whole weekend embodied what I did not want to be on this front. I will chock it up to lessons learned and hope that I didn't mess up what was the beginning of a really nice thing. I understand that we all have baggage: be it emotional (me, me me!), psychological, physical, mental, whatever. But the point is to take that baggage and learn from and try not to drag it around with you for the rest of your life. In fact, not even for five months after it should have been burned away like old love letters. If you thrive on drama, see item 1. I am not into that sort of thing, so I can say this is what I don't want.
6.) Notice Things/Pay Attention! One of the best things I've ever experience in dating is when a guy notices something that's not necessarily obvious. I can honestly say that the one that gets me the most is (go ahead and think I'm a weirdo if you want) when a man notices my toes. I am a runner, but I have regular pedicures and I love picking vibrant, interesting colors. I love the thought that a man is looking at me so hard that he even notices my toenails. It's easy to say "you look great" or "you're so pretty" or "you're eyes are beautiful" but come on, those are so unoriginal. Think about your compliments, those are the most meaningful ones. One guy that I like very much has complimented my shoes every time we've been out. I love it. Another man complimented my muscular legs. Not "hey, your legs are sexy" but "wow, your legs are muscular". That was awesome. So look for the small things. These are the things that women notice.
7.) Be an Active Listener! What this means is listening to understand, not just to respond. If you don't understand, stop her and ask her what she means. That's proof that you care about what she has to say. Rephrase things and repeat them so that you can apply your own understanding to someone who's trying to reach out to you. Body language is important here too. Lean in when she speaks, make eye contact, smile and keep those arms uncrossed and think about keeping your palms facing her. These are body language cues for someone who is open and receptive.
8.) Try to Find Interest in Her Interests! If she reads (like me) ask for book recommendations, if she's into a television series, watch an episode or two and see if you like it, if she likes music, go listen to her favorite band, if she's into art, take her to a museum. These are not complicated things. Don't change who you are because of someone else, but remain open to new things because you never know until you try. I was entirely smitten by a man who learned of my love for Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and therefore went and looked up "A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings" so we could talk about it together. It's four pages, not a big story. What turned me on was the effort he put into getting to know what I like. It was amazing.
9.) Treat Her Like a Whole Person! Okay, let me explain what I mean by this. I don't like being treated like a conquest. I don't like being treated like a collection of orifices, or legs and breasts. I don't like being treated like an incubator for offspring. One of my guy friends has a lovely accent and he says that it sucks sometimes because he thinks that women like the idea of him more than the actual him because of his accent instead of for who he is as a person. Then we got started talking about objectification. Of course that hits a nerve in my feminist underbelly. So what I'm saying is treat her like she's a whole person. Treat a woman the way you would want them to treat you. She's a person too.
10.) Go in with an Open Heart/Mind! It's so common to meet men who have this wall up. How can you create anything new if you are stuck hanging on to hurt from the past? It's hard to create connections with people who are emotionally closed off. I had rather have a broken heart (and I've had the ultimate broken heart) than to not take a chance and maybe miss out on that feeling that I'm always in search of. If you are having trouble with walls, see item 1. If it's hard to be open, see item 1. Just tell her. I know it's hard to let your feelings out, but it's so much easier to live with an open mouth than a closed heart. I know we live in a culture where dudes are supposed to be tough and stoic, but the really attractive guys are manly, but not macho and not emotionally void or emotionally ambiguous. Let it go, you will feel so much better.
Well, that's all for this week, folks. Next week, I'll be back with a recent horror story and after that, I think I'll tell a few good tales in the dating world. After all, they haven't been all bad.
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