Drinking the Kool Aid
Disclaimer: This post contains opinions that could (will) be offensive to most creationists. If you a Protestant Christian, you shouldn't read this unless you are cool with people who disagree with your religious beliefs.
That said, this post is about one of the first people I met online. I think it was his eyes that got me. Kevin was a large man. I mean enormous. He was every bit of 6'5" and nearly 300 pounds. I'm a tall girl, 5'9" and at that time, I weighed in at about 180, but this guy made me look petite, tiny even. He was almost a redhead, but not quite and his eyes... His eyes were bright blue with just a few flecks of green and gold, shaped like what I imagined fairy eyes would be, elongated and tilted up just a tiny bit, with lashes so curly they almost spiraled in on themselves.
This whole story is still a little hard to tell because for some reason, I feel guilty about it. Like everything was my fault. I made some really stupid decisions, but the fact remains that this is something that I did not have control over. I was a victim. I hate admitting that. I hate it.
I had been alone for a few months and I really just wanted to meet someone to connect with. His work schedule made it so that the only time we could get together was late at night, after he was off work, so I made the mistake of letting him come to my house. I know, I know, I'm much smarter about this sort of thing these days. That aside, I let him in my house and again against my better judgement, allowed him to kiss me. That's when things got really ugly.
I kept saying no and he kept not listening. In retrospect, that was totally date rape. At the time, I told myself that it was my fault and that he only did what men do. I'm not sure what led to think that way other than the tendency to shame women into thinking that rape is their fault. What happened after that night is even more freaking shameful. I dated this creep for months.
We both had children, he had a girl and a boy, the oldest was the same age as my son and the little boy was only three. He professed his faith as Protestant. Of course, I didn't think that a guy who slept with a girl on a first (not even real) date could be that serious about his professed religion when that religion specifically demonizes premarital sex.
When we finally got into the discussion of religion, he rationalized his "sins" by saying that when he slept with a girl, his ultimate goal was to marry her, me specifically. (Wait, did he jut propose in the most unromantic way possible?) Things just went downhill from there. This man is not someone I wanted to marry. Ever. At. All.
So, when I found out that he had a roommate, a creepy Baptist youth pastor, who forbade overnight guests of the female persuasion (for both himself and the guy I was dating) I knew that things were really getting insane. His logic was that he didn't want anyone to see that he allowed that sort of thing in his house.
I then found out that Kevin went to church every Sunday, followed by dinner at his family's home. What in the flying fuck had I gotten myself into? I'm a self-professed agnostic, leaning dangerously toward atheism, so this whole situation freaked me out. I flatly refused to go to church. I can tell the truth all day long, but I don't want to alienate a whole gathering of people in a place where they feel safe in their faith and their stupidity. I may not believe, but I'm not such a horrible person that I want to try to convince anyone else that God is dead.
You're thinking at this point that I am surrounded by a whole lot of fruit cake and not enough sanity, but it hasn't even really gotten weird yet.
We finally got into a discussion (initiated by him) about science. What came first, the dinosaur or the dude and all that. Then my brain exploded as I lost all respect for his intelligence. He tried to show me evidence that the earth is six thousand years old. I was so flabbergasted that I thought he was fucking with me at first. I thought that surely no otherwise intelligent human being could possibly believe this as truth. He was dead serious. I understand that faith is something you are supposed to believe without proof, that's why it's called faith. When one of these Bible thumpers starts trying to prove that God exists, the logic they come up with is insane! You end up with a Young Earth theory that disputes the scientific fact that the earth is 4.5 billion years old. I've tried to read this shit and I get so affronted by the "evidence" used to "prove" the theory that I have to stop reading. How can a human being know about the life of a star, nebulae, galaxies and the science that shows the process of evolution in animals and plants and still believe that the earth is 6,000 years old?
That's when things really started to fall apart for me. I couldn't remain attached to someone whom I no longer believed was on an intellectual par with me. I considered for many weeks what I was going to do with the situation. I thought of researching proof of everything I knew about science to present to him as a deterrent, nay, an antidote to stupidity.
The end came when I bought us tickets for a cruise. It was my graduation gift to myself and a gift to him for his birthday. The cretin didn't fit on the fucking airplane. I was stuffed into an economy seat beside that guy that no one wants to sit next to. It was a 90 minute flight. I thought by the time it was over that I was going to kill him. I had to be the worldly one, the one in control during the whole process of vacation and it was like taking care of a giant idiot. Hodor could have served better because at least Hodor doesn't think he's smarter than he is. So instead of ending up as one of those women on Snapped, I started sabotaging the whole relationship. He eventually broke up with me and for some reason, I was still sad. Looking back, it was really the best thing that possibly could have happened. That was when I realized that dating a religious person was not in my stars. Atheists are better in bed anyway.
That said, this post is about one of the first people I met online. I think it was his eyes that got me. Kevin was a large man. I mean enormous. He was every bit of 6'5" and nearly 300 pounds. I'm a tall girl, 5'9" and at that time, I weighed in at about 180, but this guy made me look petite, tiny even. He was almost a redhead, but not quite and his eyes... His eyes were bright blue with just a few flecks of green and gold, shaped like what I imagined fairy eyes would be, elongated and tilted up just a tiny bit, with lashes so curly they almost spiraled in on themselves.
This whole story is still a little hard to tell because for some reason, I feel guilty about it. Like everything was my fault. I made some really stupid decisions, but the fact remains that this is something that I did not have control over. I was a victim. I hate admitting that. I hate it.
I had been alone for a few months and I really just wanted to meet someone to connect with. His work schedule made it so that the only time we could get together was late at night, after he was off work, so I made the mistake of letting him come to my house. I know, I know, I'm much smarter about this sort of thing these days. That aside, I let him in my house and again against my better judgement, allowed him to kiss me. That's when things got really ugly.
I kept saying no and he kept not listening. In retrospect, that was totally date rape. At the time, I told myself that it was my fault and that he only did what men do. I'm not sure what led to think that way other than the tendency to shame women into thinking that rape is their fault. What happened after that night is even more freaking shameful. I dated this creep for months.
We both had children, he had a girl and a boy, the oldest was the same age as my son and the little boy was only three. He professed his faith as Protestant. Of course, I didn't think that a guy who slept with a girl on a first (not even real) date could be that serious about his professed religion when that religion specifically demonizes premarital sex.
When we finally got into the discussion of religion, he rationalized his "sins" by saying that when he slept with a girl, his ultimate goal was to marry her, me specifically. (Wait, did he jut propose in the most unromantic way possible?) Things just went downhill from there. This man is not someone I wanted to marry. Ever. At. All.
So, when I found out that he had a roommate, a creepy Baptist youth pastor, who forbade overnight guests of the female persuasion (for both himself and the guy I was dating) I knew that things were really getting insane. His logic was that he didn't want anyone to see that he allowed that sort of thing in his house.
I then found out that Kevin went to church every Sunday, followed by dinner at his family's home. What in the flying fuck had I gotten myself into? I'm a self-professed agnostic, leaning dangerously toward atheism, so this whole situation freaked me out. I flatly refused to go to church. I can tell the truth all day long, but I don't want to alienate a whole gathering of people in a place where they feel safe in their faith and their stupidity. I may not believe, but I'm not such a horrible person that I want to try to convince anyone else that God is dead.
You're thinking at this point that I am surrounded by a whole lot of fruit cake and not enough sanity, but it hasn't even really gotten weird yet.
We finally got into a discussion (initiated by him) about science. What came first, the dinosaur or the dude and all that. Then my brain exploded as I lost all respect for his intelligence. He tried to show me evidence that the earth is six thousand years old. I was so flabbergasted that I thought he was fucking with me at first. I thought that surely no otherwise intelligent human being could possibly believe this as truth. He was dead serious. I understand that faith is something you are supposed to believe without proof, that's why it's called faith. When one of these Bible thumpers starts trying to prove that God exists, the logic they come up with is insane! You end up with a Young Earth theory that disputes the scientific fact that the earth is 4.5 billion years old. I've tried to read this shit and I get so affronted by the "evidence" used to "prove" the theory that I have to stop reading. How can a human being know about the life of a star, nebulae, galaxies and the science that shows the process of evolution in animals and plants and still believe that the earth is 6,000 years old?
That's when things really started to fall apart for me. I couldn't remain attached to someone whom I no longer believed was on an intellectual par with me. I considered for many weeks what I was going to do with the situation. I thought of researching proof of everything I knew about science to present to him as a deterrent, nay, an antidote to stupidity.
The end came when I bought us tickets for a cruise. It was my graduation gift to myself and a gift to him for his birthday. The cretin didn't fit on the fucking airplane. I was stuffed into an economy seat beside that guy that no one wants to sit next to. It was a 90 minute flight. I thought by the time it was over that I was going to kill him. I had to be the worldly one, the one in control during the whole process of vacation and it was like taking care of a giant idiot. Hodor could have served better because at least Hodor doesn't think he's smarter than he is. So instead of ending up as one of those women on Snapped, I started sabotaging the whole relationship. He eventually broke up with me and for some reason, I was still sad. Looking back, it was really the best thing that possibly could have happened. That was when I realized that dating a religious person was not in my stars. Atheists are better in bed anyway.
No one deserve to be violated in such fashion and absolutely no one, giant nor dwarf, should feel they have such right. I know your intention for relaying such information was more narration than for sympathy and you shun being the victim, but that doesn't stop the knee-jerk feeling of remorse knowing such a travesty occurred to someone I hold dear. 'Tis a pity that in our day, the quaint concept of common human decency has fallen on too many a deaf ear.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I've come so far since that time in my life. I was that girl that was ashamed of letting it happen to me. "It" like it doesn't have a name. Rape happened and I let it. And that made me ashamed. We're so conditioned in our society, patriarchal cultures in general, to accept rape as the fault of the woman. Well, there were two people there and one of them was saying no.
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