She Don't Scare Easy, But She Can be Pushed too Far

I was nervous to even go. It was my fifth concert in eight days. That combined with being a mom, working a full-time job, dealing with the whole house/yard work, working with the nonprofit, and dealing with some social and mental health issues, I'm tired, boss. I did have the sense to unplug from social media. I just cannot deal with it. It wasn't serving me and it wasn't serving anyone else.

But music is the place I go when I can't find anything else to still me. It has been for a lot of years. I'm so grateful that I've found that place. Everyone needs a thing.

I am tired. So I worked, hit the gym for a little warm up, went home, showered, and didn't bother, really. I wore gym clothes and sneakers, no makeup. I arrived and scoped out my usual location at the 40 Watt, over on the raised area by the far bar, in the corner. Fantastic view, not in anyone's way, wall to lean on. That last part was somewhat inhibited by that fresh tattoo. Had to be mindful. I don't want to get something icky from that wall. And I surely could. Just my type of place. On a good night, you'll stick to the floor and trip on debris on the way out.

There was a row of barstools along the bar, an empty one right on my end. Apparently reserved. The occupant soon appeared. The group was probably all in their 50's and 60's, but this fella was chatty. He began talking and asking questions. I'm skeptical of any man asking me questions, especially one likely old enough to be my father and wearing a wedding band. I keep looking at the mixed group of his company with questions in my eyes.

The he asks me "Do you have a boyfriend?" And I cannot, so I just said "Why in the world would I want one of those?" The whole crowd laughed. Turns out he is married, his wife was sitting beside him, and he's a divorce lawyer. At that point, I began feeling like a case study. He kept asking questions. Personal ones. How much money do you make? Do you have any drug problems? (You mean beyond the way I serially abuse romance?) What do you do for a living? Do you have any other talents? Are you good in bed? I answered with discretion as I saw fit. It felt really like he was evaluating me. Which I appreciate to an extent.

Then, when he evidently can't find anything wrong with me, he asks me why I don't have a boyfriend. He tells me I'm amazing and there is no reason. I gesture broadly at the crowd and just say the only men brave enough to approach me have the confidence of a mediocre white man. The good ones tend to be smart enough to be intimidated by the above, combined with me being a little nuts. I am a lot. I welcome anyone to go find less.

He asked if there were any candidates. I said yes. Told him about a few and showed him a picture of the one I'd like to make a thing with. Quoted a McMurtry lyric that suited and he got the joke. Asked if he was one of these...I can't remember if he said "gun nuts" or "right-wing extremists" or what. He's not, he just looks like one. He's truly beautiful. He's a lot of wonderful things. But "I ain't gonna rush it'."

So he asked where I go that I would meet men. I just laughed. I don't go anywhere trying to meet men. I said I'm here a lot. He said the crowd was too old. I said the music was too good. He agreed and we talked about McMurtry and our favorite songs and records. He seemed impressed that I actually knew what I'd walked into.

Some of his other friends wandered by to inspect me, including a brother/sister pair. The man tells me I'm smart. Yessir. A couple of my own friends wandered by and there were hellos and hugs. You know who your people are. Hang on to them.

Then the music started. Bettysoo is incredible. That is all. Go find her. Go listen. Then McMurtry came onstage with a Schechter Demon. I laughed, took a photo and sent it to the boy, who has the same guitar with a different finish. He sounded real good with the full band. He did one full song fully unplugged. It was wonderful. Then back with the most beautiful guitar I've ever seen. I had to wander closer to get a photo and the guy beside me informed me that it was Danelectro aqua burst. He could tell what I was about. I thanked him and dashed back to my spot.

When the show was all over, I grabbed some food, picked Gabe up from work, went home, took my meds, and practically fell into my bed. I was asleep before I hit the pillow, I think. The day was good for my soul. And I am peaceful. I have to keep remembering not to let people close who disturb that peace.