I Took My Turn at Fixing Hearts

 Some nights are like this in Athens, Georgia. Some nights have to wait for the next morning. Sometimes life is that way too. You have to wait. You have to wait for time to be quiet in your mind to weigh, consider, decide. Sometimes, you have to wait for people who love you and people who know others to make things clear for you. "Yes yes and yes"

Sometimes it happens on the day devoted to love. So sometimes you sit in your questionable Air BnB alone, but not lonely, and you cry a little over something that never could have been. Sometimes you're the kind to only cry for a second. Sometimes resolve can hurt, even if it's the best thing.

Someone told me that this would be a learning experience for us both. She may also think that you were connected in other ways. Someone else said that maybe that soul you lost was responsible. Someone else may have said that you just don't know someone at first and they can deceive you. All of these people might love you. Sometimes all of these things can be true at the same time. Y'all make sure to call him Red Rocket right to his face. You'll likely get a chance.

I have learned. I learned that wanting something won't make it any more real. I've learned again that no matter what, no one will change until they are ready to change. No one can fix you. You can't fix anyone else. Only you can fix you. And it sucks. But it's just like that sometimes.

I've learned that I absolutely have a type. I love a brilliant idiot. Romance is my favorite weapon against myself. I guess I should stop that. I think I will. I think I'll just stop that until I know that I can do better for myself. I deserve that for me. I never in a million years would have thought that I'd be that middle-aged woman who gave up. Because that's how it used to look. Like a surrender. A failure of sorts. I've learned that letting go and failing aren't always the same thing. Claw marks on myself and claw marks on anything I let go. It's who I am. Letting this one go isn't losing. Letting this one go is love.

I've learned that sometimes if you have to ask, it's not right. Some things should be understood. Especially when you're trying to not just say you're sorry, but be sorry. By that, I mean do better. Do better and prove that it's not just words. Words are easy. Love is hard. Act your love. Or you either don't feel it, feel it only selfishly, or don't understand it, or are entirely unself-aware. I know because I've been that person a few too many times myself.

Sometimes on that day of love, you look around at the different kinds of love. You look because it's poured over you and you can't not look. The kinds people talk about less frequently. A hug held extra long with an extra hard squeeze at the end, a table full of friends, smiling and laughing real smiles and real laughs and telling stories and catching up, your own smile in a photo you wondered how you'd look in, a message from your sister to check on you, the way your heart swells up doing good for people you'll never meet, a near stranger telling you that you are an answer to a lot of prayers, an old friend becoming a friend in a new way from an act of kindness you hardly noticed in yourself, but that you recognized as gift from another beautiful soul when it was pointed out, grief all welled up again, an ear and a reassurance and a confirmation from someone who owes you not a thing because of a heart so big it's unavoidable.

All of these are love. And these can make you cry too. Maybe a little longer and a little sweeter if you are the sort to always hold the good closer than the bad. That probably means that you are both lucky and changed. All of that is learned too. I don't think you are born one way or another. I think you learn. And I think some of that is a choice. People can change if they want to. If they look around and see beautiful people. If they are loved well. And I have been loved so well. So well that the good cry goes on and on. I am so hopelessly grateful for the love I received that I never deserved. I hope I'm earning it. I sure am trying.

I was asked this morning if I'm okay. I'm not. But I'm getting there. I sure am putting in the work. And I said as much. And I felt safe doing that. I think that's part of the change too, knowing that not every person will weaponize your softness. I want desperately to be soft. To shake off all the things that ever made me hard and cling to the love that helps me bend. I want to forgive and remember without letting it hurt me. I think that's a sort of self-love. And you know what? I'm getting there too. Maybe that's part this fresh ability to be soft, but not to be weak. To be vulnerable, but careful of with whom. And when your heart tells you who, listen. Listen.

And some nights are like that in Athens, Georgia. But some nights, you have to wait for the next day's love and quiet to hear it. Happy Valentine's Day from Athens, Georgia. LEOMF.