I Can Love Me Better than You Can

 Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia. I don't think my feet have been warm all day. I miss yesterday's sun. I feel like my body is healing. I still can't make it a full day without a nap, but these things happen. There are worse things. So many worse things. My heart and soul and mind are calm and restful. And that is some kind of miracle.

I stayed home this weekend. Not a single show since Tuesday. Wednesday is my next one. I look forward to it more than I like to admit. Susto. Kid has it. Means "a traumatic event that makes the soul leave the body" in Spanish. Boy, can I relate to that. But rest was good for me. I needed it. And the boy needed his mama home. And here I was. He's in isolation from covid and I'm recovering from it. We both needed the rest and attention. Last night, I told him I needed a hug. He seemed kind of taken aback. I don't ask for affection much. I'm getting better at that. I do need it.

The Grammys are tonight. My favorite little rock and roll band won 2 of 3 that they were nominated for. It's not just the front man. Y'all, it's all of them. They really are the definition of "y'allternative" and I love that band with a depth in my soul I cannot explain. And that's okay. I think the best music makes you feel that way a little.

My shoulder kills today. I did PT on Thursday and then my homework on Friday and Saturday. It hurts so much today that I'm afraid to do my exercises today. I've had enough of that. I'm afraid to take my prescription, non-narcotic pain medication because people I trust have had horrible experiences. But it hurts so badly. 6 to 8 weeks. That's what they tell me. I have to trust the process.

I'm really ready to get a couple new tattoos. I delayed after the divorce thinking it was like dyeing my hair or getting bangs. But I'm ready. I want the tattoo that brings my Daddy close to me. I don't even know if he'd approve. That's a funny thought. 

Today, I finished the hardest part of my contribution to the annual fundraiser. This one combines what I've done before with what I've moved into. Gently, slowly, carefully, like I'm trying to move these days. I still have three steps, but that really is less work than what is finished. And this one was probably a little bit of destiny brought to us all by Mike Cooley. I love that surly fuck.

The next couple weeks are going to be a lot. So many people and so much interaction and I think I'll spend less time trying to be something and just be my weird, awkward self. She's alright. I like her pretty good. She's different, but no one ever said she was boring. My twenty year high school reunion is next weekend. I've asked my long-term crush to go. He says he's going to check his work schedule and try. I'd enjoy his company and he won't humiliate me. And who knows? 

Scared the cat screaming for Billie Eilish. Well, frankly, we don't deserve that kid. I love her and she's so authentic and pure. But not in the way we were expected to be, more in a "Filthy and Fried" sort of way. Which is all I ever wanted for the next generation of young women. And those chartreuse pumps and the bruise on her shin. I have died. I see all the favorite young women of her generation in those impossible blue eyes and the passion on her forehead while she sings. We don't deserve them. But I sure am glad we have them anyway.

I'm ready for bed. I should eat something. Protein. I sit here having settled at losing six pounds in the course of being sick. Nothing smells quite right, so it doesn't taste quite right and if food isn't delicious, then why even bother? This is the lightest I've been since the month of my wedding. A different kind of sick. But there are way more muscles.

Still not sure what I'm supposed to do with that dress. It's beautiful, but what is that supposed to signify now? My wedding band and engagement ring the same. No hurry to decide, I guess. Two months isn't really a lot of time to decide what to do with the undoing of what you thought would never cease to be. Again, that's okay. I have all the time in the world. I'm basically still a baby. But I'm totally going to channel Miley. I look good.

I'm going to eat a little, watch the show, and go to bed early. Tomorrow looks good. And I am thrilled to see rosy-fingered dawn, lighting the tiny red buds on the maple tree outside my bathroom window. Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia, and I am so grateful to the people who have inspired that beauty and that hope in my heart. I love y'all. Here comes spring, and I am ready. Some nights are like this in Suwanee, Georgia.

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