My Daddy Told Me I Believe He Told Me True, the Right Things Always the Hardest Thing to Do
Recently, I had a bad episode of being an asshole. I was feeling vulnerable and scared and powerless and I was on a cocktail of prescriptions that I sincerely believe triggered a manic episode. Reasons don't matter. I was a total prick.
All of that is getting to that my sister and I have been estranged for a lot of time. Like I haven't seen or spoken to her in three years. She has this amazing capacity to find the soft spots in me and stick hat pins in them. And when I kind of went no contact, it was because my heart couldn't take any more of that than I was already experiencing. I couldn't take the hurt. So I just closed that door.
After being an asshole to my friend, and sort of exploring how it happened and why, I wondered if some of that same vulnerability and fear, and hurt, and that feeling that my friend was a safe space to sort of unload is the same way my sister felt about me. I'm not saying it's a healthy thing, I'm just wondering if it's an explanation. I've been doing a shit ton of that kind of soul searching lately. And it feels weirdly good?
She's always called and texted and tried. Through all of this time. And I had recently already been so tempted to answer. Two days after I showed my ass, she called. I'm looking at the phone ringing and I think "maybe this is the time." So I answered it.
Her soul is so different. I think that she's stopped letting shame control her. She and her husband divorced, and frankly, he's someone I would like to watch as the life drains from his eyes for what he's done to her. He manipulated her as an alcoholic into doing what he wanted by gaslighting her and trying to reframe her memories.
That was three years ago. She texted me then. I so much wanted to text her back. I was so hurt. And so afraid. So I didn't. I've missed my niece and nephew growing up. Ella is the same age as Mercy and I can't remember how old Liam is. But he is the spitting image of my Gabe and I always loved him so hard for that.
It's like we haven't lost those years. Except better. I've always loved her so much it makes me ache. That deep feeling in your chest that's sweet and painful and all the best things about love. I just couldn't let her hurt me more.
All this I've been feeling lately has brought it to the surface. That horrible pain of missing her. Needing her. So I answered. I'm so glad I answered. I'm going to my nephew's birthday party on Sunday. He wants enough Pokemon cards to beat his sister. I love that child so much.
And she's never really heard how important the band is to me. "Something to Love" is my love song to my niece and she couldn't sit and listen to it. "Different Days" as the song I wanted her to love. But honestly, I only ever told her "the story's only mine to live and die with. The truth is only mine to come across." And I weaponized it. Because I hurt.
I told her how "Middle of the Morning" is so important to me. I got choked up just talking about it. She insisted I link her. So I did. And she actually listened. I told her "Relatively Easy" reminded me of her wonderful new love.
She said she wants to see a show with me. I cried. Not going to lie. She said she just wants to be with me and see what my heart has felt for all these years. She said she can't do Saturdays. My whole brain lit up.
As kids, our closest real city was Chattanooga. And it's always held my heart so hard. So we're going to do that together. I'm in tears just writing this. I'm hoping I can find her some really good tickets. I want Chad to wave to her. I want her to see Derry's rare smile. I want her to see the pick that Sadler catches behind his back. I have a few songs I'd love to hear. I'm not going to be picky though.
"Outfit"
"Middle of the Morning"
"Relatively Easy"
"Strawberry Woman" because it's her all over, despite anyone ever saying it was me.
"Goddamn Lonely Love"
"Cigarettes and Wine" because she new my Jay.
"Alabama Pines"
"Codeine" for fuck's sake I miss that song live.
"Tour of Duty" because it helped me forgive Gabe's dad. And that whole thing with he and Sadler is beautiful these days.
"Hudson Commodore" because it's about our Nanny. All the things we love in her and all the things she gave us.
"Dreamsicle" for our Gabe. She'll get it.
"Something to Love" for my Ella girl.
"Cast Iron Skillet" because it's helped me to start forgiving our brother. He's a monster. He really is.
Okay, that's a lot. But these are songs that I think of with her in my heart.
I hope she sticks it out for Amanda and Lilly and Jon and Moreland and DBT and lately, really, Ashley McBryde. I want more than anything in the world to find a thing we can love together. It will not be tennis.
Okay, so if y'all get a bead on good tickets in Chattanooga, the cost doesn't matter. I want to give this to her to make up for three years of missing her. To show her my heart. To show her the thing that inspired me. To show her the things that helped me heal.
I hate so much that she can't meet our Jimbo. He's got such a beautiful soul. And he's so much a part of my experience. The one I want to share with her.
I'll go to StubHub if things get close and there aren't any alternatives. I don't want to make it feel dirty. I want it to burn off until we're all clean again.
I wish my friend could let me say thank you for learning to take my own medicine. But I also understand that forgiveness isn't mine this time and no one owes me a goddamn thing.
Funny how all of this pain and all of this happiness are all tangled up. Here's to fucking up less. I love y'all.
All of that is getting to that my sister and I have been estranged for a lot of time. Like I haven't seen or spoken to her in three years. She has this amazing capacity to find the soft spots in me and stick hat pins in them. And when I kind of went no contact, it was because my heart couldn't take any more of that than I was already experiencing. I couldn't take the hurt. So I just closed that door.
After being an asshole to my friend, and sort of exploring how it happened and why, I wondered if some of that same vulnerability and fear, and hurt, and that feeling that my friend was a safe space to sort of unload is the same way my sister felt about me. I'm not saying it's a healthy thing, I'm just wondering if it's an explanation. I've been doing a shit ton of that kind of soul searching lately. And it feels weirdly good?
She's always called and texted and tried. Through all of this time. And I had recently already been so tempted to answer. Two days after I showed my ass, she called. I'm looking at the phone ringing and I think "maybe this is the time." So I answered it.
Her soul is so different. I think that she's stopped letting shame control her. She and her husband divorced, and frankly, he's someone I would like to watch as the life drains from his eyes for what he's done to her. He manipulated her as an alcoholic into doing what he wanted by gaslighting her and trying to reframe her memories.
That was three years ago. She texted me then. I so much wanted to text her back. I was so hurt. And so afraid. So I didn't. I've missed my niece and nephew growing up. Ella is the same age as Mercy and I can't remember how old Liam is. But he is the spitting image of my Gabe and I always loved him so hard for that.
It's like we haven't lost those years. Except better. I've always loved her so much it makes me ache. That deep feeling in your chest that's sweet and painful and all the best things about love. I just couldn't let her hurt me more.
All this I've been feeling lately has brought it to the surface. That horrible pain of missing her. Needing her. So I answered. I'm so glad I answered. I'm going to my nephew's birthday party on Sunday. He wants enough Pokemon cards to beat his sister. I love that child so much.
And she's never really heard how important the band is to me. "Something to Love" is my love song to my niece and she couldn't sit and listen to it. "Different Days" as the song I wanted her to love. But honestly, I only ever told her "the story's only mine to live and die with. The truth is only mine to come across." And I weaponized it. Because I hurt.
I told her how "Middle of the Morning" is so important to me. I got choked up just talking about it. She insisted I link her. So I did. And she actually listened. I told her "Relatively Easy" reminded me of her wonderful new love.
She said she wants to see a show with me. I cried. Not going to lie. She said she just wants to be with me and see what my heart has felt for all these years. She said she can't do Saturdays. My whole brain lit up.
As kids, our closest real city was Chattanooga. And it's always held my heart so hard. So we're going to do that together. I'm in tears just writing this. I'm hoping I can find her some really good tickets. I want Chad to wave to her. I want her to see Derry's rare smile. I want her to see the pick that Sadler catches behind his back. I have a few songs I'd love to hear. I'm not going to be picky though.
"Outfit"
"Middle of the Morning"
"Relatively Easy"
"Strawberry Woman" because it's her all over, despite anyone ever saying it was me.
"Goddamn Lonely Love"
"Cigarettes and Wine" because she new my Jay.
"Alabama Pines"
"Codeine" for fuck's sake I miss that song live.
"Tour of Duty" because it helped me forgive Gabe's dad. And that whole thing with he and Sadler is beautiful these days.
"Hudson Commodore" because it's about our Nanny. All the things we love in her and all the things she gave us.
"Dreamsicle" for our Gabe. She'll get it.
"Something to Love" for my Ella girl.
"Cast Iron Skillet" because it's helped me to start forgiving our brother. He's a monster. He really is.
Okay, that's a lot. But these are songs that I think of with her in my heart.
I hope she sticks it out for Amanda and Lilly and Jon and Moreland and DBT and lately, really, Ashley McBryde. I want more than anything in the world to find a thing we can love together. It will not be tennis.
Okay, so if y'all get a bead on good tickets in Chattanooga, the cost doesn't matter. I want to give this to her to make up for three years of missing her. To show her my heart. To show her the thing that inspired me. To show her the things that helped me heal.
I hate so much that she can't meet our Jimbo. He's got such a beautiful soul. And he's so much a part of my experience. The one I want to share with her.
I'll go to StubHub if things get close and there aren't any alternatives. I don't want to make it feel dirty. I want it to burn off until we're all clean again.
I wish my friend could let me say thank you for learning to take my own medicine. But I also understand that forgiveness isn't mine this time and no one owes me a goddamn thing.
Funny how all of this pain and all of this happiness are all tangled up. Here's to fucking up less. I love y'all.
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