I Always Had the Words, but They Don’t Quite Know Where To Go

 I'm working so hard to find the good things that are coming from the exhausting, emotional, horrible experience that is a divorce. I think it's one of the healthiest coping mechanisms I've ever had. It such habit now that I barely notice unless I am intentionally being mindful. Which I am also trying to do often just to lift myself a little.

I think the biggest good thing is learning forgiveness. I've been working on learning apology for a while. And that one was really hard for me. I guess I didn't realize the two would be so closely connected. About the time I learned how to say I'm sorry and then be sorry and follow up with the labor involved in being sorry and doing better, I started also learning to accept apology.

There is always music that brings me peace of all sorts. I think that the forgiving songs are the most powerful. When a song can soften you toward a wrong for which you never got an apology, that's magic. I've had two such songs. One that made me think fondly of Gabe's dad, despite all the trash behavior. It only took a decade. The second one made me want to forgive my brother. For so so so many things he's done to hurt me and our whole family. I'm not there yet, but I'm less angry. And that one is 25 years in the making, so it may take a little longer.

I was talking to Gabe last night about everything. I know, probably unhealthy to talk to your kid like that. But he's my person and he's an adult now. He sees my pain. And he wants to know why. And I think it's good to tell him for his benefit, but also for mine. I told him that I had made some apologies recently to people I felt that I had hurt and that some of them accepted the apology rather graciously. Some have not. Some have not been given (that is, I have not given them) enough time. And still, it's kind of eating at me. 

I told Gabe about one such situation. He said it wasn't as bad as I acted like it was. I told him that I'm trying to give myself some of the same grace and forgiveness that I'm trying to extend to others. He is mine. He says "yeah, for once." Another friend told me to cut myself some slack. I never realized it was so obvious to people who love me just how hard I am on myself.

That child is incredible, y'all. He's so intuitive and perceptive. He came into the living room on Tuesday. I was sitting at my computer with relative composure, reading, probably. And this child called the name of the person I was struggling over internally. I guess that sort of thing happens when your kid's face is also your face.

All that just behind the epiphany about my sister and why she has always treated me unkindly. It was her coping mechanism. I'm not excusing it or saying that it's okay, but it is a reason. And understanding helps the forgiving.

Last night I was sitting on the patio at Eddie's Attic, waiting for the early show of James McMurtry to let out so that our late show could be let in. They pipe the show through the speakers so folks can hear. I was in the lovely, dusky purplish gray light of evening, with the perfect breeze, drinking a Tropicalia and reading Palahniuk when my phone rang. It was my sister. I had been not answering her calls or texts since about June 2020. I never stopped loving her. I just couldn't let her hurt me the way she always has. 

But last night, I answered. From that new place of understanding combined with the love that always was. And we both apologized. And we told each other "I love you." And I'm hoping we can do better to each other.

And I can't even thank one of the people who helped me help myself get here. And I want to. But I think I'm coming to peace with trusting the universe. Claw marks all over that one too. 

Up next, letting go. Letting go of things that no longer serve me. I expect this one may be the hardest yet.

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