I’ve Prayed for Somethin’ to Give. How Can This Heartache Still Live? I’m Not Tryin’ to Whine. I’m Just Fuckin’ Spent.

 I keep having these flashes of real clarity. It's so weird. I'm sure group has a lot to do with it. And my dear friends all flocking around me because apparently I'm unsettling folks. I'm intense. I'm just intense. I don't want to be sorry for that. I'm having all the feelings all at once because I have been not letting myself have them for too long. So they are all coming out in a rush.

I think the reason I lost my entire mind and showed my whole ass last night is because I felt like I wasn't in control of the situation. Of my feelings about the situation. And it feels like exploding a good thing is better than having it explode out of my control. That's a big, fat, important one.

I found myself acting exactly like my sister. The truly awful mean one. All of this has been insightful to my own life and my feelings and mental health issues, but also those of others. I have found it so hard to feel compassion for her because she's so hurtful. But you know, I was just like that last night. And it was just because I was scared. 

And my friend is going through a really hard experience right now. One I've been through. I was so unkind. It reminds me of how I felt when Jay died and one of my friends got mad at me because I couldn't quite get to where she needed me to be when she fought with her boyfriend. It was really soon after. And I just told her that I'd give anything to fight with Jay. It wasn't the right thing to say, but I still said it because I felt it so deeply. And I think it really hurt her. We were never the same after that. But that may just be because I was never the same again. That alone can freak people out. Grief is scary and ugly.

I had a chance to do better than anyone did for me and I fucked up. 

I felt like I was not in control of the big change in my life right now and I wasn't in control of this smaller one. The smaller one seemed easier, I guess. I feel truly terrible about it.

I apologized. It had to be done. I realized that when I hit a big gym goal, I wanted to share the good news with my friend. I already knew I had to apologize. But it seems like this friend has been there for so much of the bad, that I forgot they are also a champion of my victories. Or they were. 

I was never in doubt that I had to apologize. I thought about waiting. But I think you ought to do the good things when you feel them, And as hard as it is to be sorry and to apologize, it's been much harder thinking I've hurt someone I care about.

I know I have to give them space and time to process. And I went from full psycho to real sorry real fast. So that's probably real unsettling. And I've not been the most stable for a month or more. I've felt unstable. Like standing on the beach when the tide comes in and a wave washes out around your feet and carries with it the sand beneath and you get dizzy and feel your feet moving  and the wave is moving. And you have to check yourself to make sure that you aren't doing anything to make it worse. 

And my good, kind friend just listening and being supportive. It's so hard to explain how that feeling of chaos makes you a little wild. Or me anyway.

That's still the worst. I'm okay with hurting myself. We expect that. I've got to be more careful with other people. Or I'm no better than the mean girl who seems to have made it her life's work to wound me. 

I was extremely selfish and self-involved and it's like I just couldn't get it under control. I was trying. And that scares me too. I don't like feeling out of control of myself any more than being out of control of a situation. I'm tired. I've been saying that for eighteen months. That I'm just so tired in my heart. My emotions are exhausted. From pretending they aren't there or trying to fake the right ones. So I finally was having genuine, really intense feelings and it was all just too much at the same time.

Cue me turning into my worst fear. Why is self-awareness so painful?

I just have to remember that a really bad night doesn't destroy the whole friendship. I believe that. I think that when the dust settles, I can redeem myself. And prove that I mean it. Because I do. I've learned a thing or two. Sincerity is not one of those things I lack.

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