It Ain't the Ending but it's Coming Soon

I cut the snot out of myself cleaning a Santoku the other night. The damn thing is dull and you know what they say. I keep popping it back open and while it stings, it doesn't hurt like it acts like it should, so I just end up getting blood on everything. Small aggravations of house-cleaning.

I've come to realize that being exhausted, combined with heavy conversations just before bed make me have wild-ass dreams. My subconscious tries to make sense of the things that my waking mind would work out in due course. Last night's had me considering how other people feel about the folks I've chosen to give the best parts of myself to for the past year. I didn't have to think too much about it because the people I was spending the most time with are the people who are immersed in it. People worry about it. I never even thought hard about that. I feel fortunate that I have both.

I guess it's a good sign to refocus my energy and thoughts. I feel like I'm wearing myself out on things that won't matter in six months or a year. And sometimes that's how life goes for a while. That said, I finished my template for my little HeAthens Homecoming donation today. The lyric always screamed my name, but I couldn't quite think of what to do with the visuals to make it work well. Some of that time spent on things that probably won't matter gave me a little inspiration. So here we go. It will likely wait until next year because I want it to be perfect, but it's going to be something else.

I don't really care to talk about the dreams I've been having just yet. They're all from anxiety, confusion, mistrust, and a lack of understanding. Everything will settle in time. Time is always the answer. Too bad I have zero patience. I accidentally took the wrong meds two nights night. It's harmless and won't hurt a thing, but it sure has thrown me for a loop. I just got one tiny, white pill confused with another. So I took about 4x my usual dose of the medication I take when I really can't sleep. Technically, I only took half the prescribed dose even then, so it's really fine. It put me out so hard that I woke up and didn't even know what day it was. And that carried through the day. Good news is, no weird dreams.

I did fall asleep talking to God again last night. I know. I know. I think the realization that I've had that half the time I was talking to myself all those nights, I was probably just talking to God all along. I just had to learn that the way I was taught to think about God all these years wasn't right and that coming around in my own way was always the only way.

The good news is that I really do feel like I'm hitting my creative stride for the first time ever. I can sense my own improvement and I'm so lucky to have folks who believe in me and encourage me and tell me I'm awesome, even when we all know I'm middlin'. I thrive on encouragement, so every shred of enthusiasm will make me a better artist.

I have found an odd sense of calm in everything. My therapist tells me that my ability for radical acceptance is profound. You cannot change the past. You cannot change other people. You just kind of have to adjust yourself to something a little different when you see certain patterns. I am the person who will give you back what you give. I am also the person who can love you the fuck over there. Which may be a situation I have to seriously embrace pretty soon. Detach with love. I learned that from a very smart woman.

She also told me that she wished other people could hear the way I talk about them when they're not there. I've said that to people I love often. I'm told that I can be hard on people. It's because believe so much in people. I expect of them what I believe of them. It's not always fair sometimes. In the same vein, I forgive. I don't really see people as letting me down. The people I know and love are some of the finest on the planet and I know it. Not only must they be brilliant and funny and interesting, they have to be kind and patient and all of that in a single person is going to be remarkable. I am grateful every day.

Something pretty amazing happened when I started making bread. I left a loaf that I didn't want to take home with me last weekend. Apparently, we had a tween fall all in love with it. I said I'd bring another the next time I came to town. I fed my bread starter and I never even thought about being sad. I was doing something to bring a little joy to someone else who I know is having a hard time. I didn't cry. I didn't miss Nanny for a moment. What a her thing to do: find healing in acts of service to others. Even more that it's someone who's having a hard moment in life. Of course I then cried over that. I'm getting those loaves in the oven soon and they are beautiful. I'll take one to work to share with my friends because after all this time, they still haven't had it and they do deserve it.

Over the weekend, I cleaned. My kitchen is cleaner than it has ever been. I pulled the grate off the fridge and I am not kidding when I say there was enough dust and lint that I'm certain no one has ever done that before. Cleaned the coffee maker and the disposal and scrubbed the fridge within an inch of its life. I maybe got a little enthusiastic about throwing out things that truly have no business being in my fridge anyway. I found someone's tiny gold stud earring and made up a whole story of the little girl who lost it.

My bathroom is sparkling, the laundry is all washed and dried, the sheets are fresh, the carpets are decrumbed and the furniture is defurred. The dishes are all washed and the whole house smells nice and clean. It's a small thing, but it's one of my greatest simple pleasures. I enjoy sitting down after working that hard and enjoying the quiet and the clean. I'm a simple creature, really.

I'm in the office today for meetings, but my week will really actually kick off around Thursday evening. I've got at least one concert this weekend and I get to spend time in what is my favorite place these days. I'm going to sound insane, but I'm even losing less hair in the past couple of months. Every time I shower, I'm surprise at how little falls out. My hair stylist commented about it too. I wonder if it's just feeling less stressed at least part of the time. Or it could be that I'm eating like an elephant and taking enough vitamins to start my own supplement store. Either way, I'm happy for the sense of peace and the extra strands.