If You're Lookin' for a Prophet, I'll Tell You I Ain't but I Know When it's Gonna Rain

I've barely sat still for the past week. I can't. I feel like my skin is going to crawl off me and slink away if I am. That sick, heaviness of guilt in my stomach turns into an anxiety so intense I either cry or get off my ass. That said, I'm constantly tired. But I am kicking this move's ass. I've sorted and mostly packed my living room, my office, my bathroom and closet, the basement, the garage, most of the kitchen, and the coat closet. I've staged the garage for the move, hauled off a full car load of donations to Goodwill, arranged my renter's insurance, scheduled the power on at the new place, scheduled to have the power turned off here, moved my internet service and scheduled my appointment to have it connected for me. All I really have left is the linen closet, the drawers in my bedroom, and the furniture. Oh, and taking all the art from the walls. I don't want to do that. It's what makes a house feel like home.

In addition to packing, I've done all the application and lease paperwork and paid the deposits, I've worked a full week, gone to a concert, spent two days with my favorite friends, written two grants for the non-profit, researched what it will take for us to become a VSO and done that paperwork, done paperwork to solicit funds in Georgia, attended a veterans health care town hall, answered the phone at least three times for people who seemed to need me and seemed to want to talk to me, and still managed to feel like I'm not doing anything.

Writing it all down makes me feel less guilty for not going to the gym. I keep waking up in the middle of the night filled with anxiety. Two reasons. One is just the move and the other one is worry for someone I love. I keep having these episodes when I break down for just a minute or two. I want one specific hug. I'm almost definitely not going to get it. I guess "fuck off" is a pretty clear way to communicate. Guess it's time to play hardball with myself on this one.

I'm not sure I want to even go over to the shop this week. I truly do have entirely too much going on to stop and give my time, talents, and experience right now when none of them shows up for me when I need it. I have to hunt them down and perform services if I want to see them. And I'm a little salty about it right now. I'm not feeling like my usual kind, giving, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic self right now and that's the only version of me I'll let them have. I will give that place the very best of me. And I will do that until I cannot anymore. And I have so much left in me. And I truly cannot walk away. I wish I could walk away. I won't and I can't. My purpose is there and I just feel it in my soul.

And for the first time in my life, I've fallen asleep more than one night praying so hard. I haven't ever made it to the part about the asking for something because I never make it past the gratitude for the people in my life. Tonight, I plan to get to the part of asking for what I see in my heart that those people need. After all, I know they pray for me, over me. And maybe I'll make it as far as asking for the strength to get through this part of my life. I never did ask for anything except that. I don't want anything handed to me and nothing relieved from me. I only ever pray for strength to figure out my own way through. Maybe I'll try asking for those people I pray for to help me carry this. Maybe I ought to just ask them. I guess I don't ask because I don't want rejection or disappointment. I mean, who does?

I had a talk with a friend this morning about how I believe there is a difference between being a mean girl and being a mean person. How the concept of politics and in-fighting and gatekeeping is an inherent part of the culture where girls are raised into women. Those of us who refuse to engage tend to walk with a different crowd. 

I also had this realization that when you say things like "match your energy," you're totally copping out. Sure, do that. But sometimes with people, they will try harder than you and sometimes you'll have to. That's the foundation of a good relationship of any sort, that willingness to occasionally not serve only yourself and to understand that you do that to serve the relationship. A good relationship will fill your cup when you are on empty too. That whole "match your energy" attitude proves that you're heart isn't in it. Let it go.

So, I started this post last night. I was thankfully at the nonprofit shop today when I found out that the house isn't my house. I melted all the way down. PMS, anxiety, stress, loneliness, lack of human contact, a lot of things. I am so lucky that my job sees me. My team sees me. The best of me. The real world feels so isolated. I am so tired. And that's how it happens. Reach out or the other thing. I so deeply miss some of my friends: Glenn, Scott. my Morningglory. No one who asked me. But still folks who matter. I was so unclear at the time. I asked myself the worst questions. They did not and that should be so clear.