I Open Up My Heart and Let Him In

I've mentioned recently that I fall asleep many nights praying. And that is absolutely true. There has not been a night that I didn't fall asleep praying gratitude for people in my life. Always someone different, probably only Gabe more than once. Sometimes I pray for their happiness, whatever that means. The only thing I ever ask for myself is strength. I do not pray that my trouble is ended or that I get what I want. I pray that I manage to withstand whatever shapes me into the grand plan that I don't understand. I do not pray for an end of suffering, but to be long-suffering. I pray to withstand whatever so that I can be tempered. "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4 I'll quote any other book that speaks to me, so I guess it's time to reconsider this one.

And in those prayers of thanks, I have managed to receive what I cannot give myself: to fall asleep deeply and quickly. Took me a few nights to sort out that pattern. Last night, I nearly forgot and had to remind myself. Staring at the back of my eyelids for a few minutes works beautifully for forgetfulness.

Last night was sleepless anyway, despite praying hard and earnestly for someone else in love, gratitude, hope, in supplication for their happiness and peace, no matter where I do or do not fall into that plan. The same person two nights in a row. I had to call myself back from anger and resentment a few too many times. And I was rewarded for that part, I fear. I know it's natural to feel love and anger, sometimes at the same time and certainly directed to the same place. I think the message is two-fold: "you've been angry long enough," and also "sometimes even prayers for someone else are too selfish for reward." I hear you!

It's always music, huh? "When I lie awake at night/ fed up with myself /and wonder if I'm good enough for me or someone else/ I know that God does. / Well, I know that God does."

I started it as sort of a meditation. A mindful gratitude in an ugly ass place I sat in for too long. I hate the whole notion of these sorts of practices. You cannot always live in grace and thanks. I was out for a walk, and honestly, looking for a tall bridge or waiting for Amanda's train that never comes and I thought to think about something besides how awful I felt. I walked and walked, just saying the names of people I'm grateful for. I wore myself out walking and still didn't wear out my list. That felt like a sign.

After that, it was never really intentional. I just kept making my lists. And then it evolved into doing what I can to help them toward happiness and peace. I guess that's when it turned into an ask. And who do you ask? I still don't have a clue. We'll call it god because I'm Southern and that's what my raising told me to call it. And again, all I've ever asked of that god is long-suffering strength. Make me like unto Job. Preferably not all that punishing part. But like, reverse Job. Some really awful hurt brings me back. It's a test to and not a test to stray from faith. With my host of archangels in Kim's Convenience, the truth-telling prophets with no friends. But my friends are the archangels and the martyrs. I guess we all look for signs.

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