I Want You, I Want You Gone for Christmas
Holiday Tip 1: Wear just enough makeup so that Nanny tells you that you look pretty, but not so much that she compliments anything specific or the look will live in infamy as the year you "showed up to Christmas dinner looking like a streetwalker."
Holiday Tip 2: If you're going to help spread the freshly-laundered, starched tablecloth, do not then immediately dump extremely strong coffee all over it.
Holiday Tip 3: Do not curse when asked if your husband is coming to dinner. Just politely say "no ma'am."
Holiday Tip 4: Wear layers and accept that the temperature inside the house will help you burn off your big meal. Drink plenty of water and if you feel faint, step outside. Bottle in the trunk optional.
Holiday Tip 5: No matter how you arrange the chairs around the table, it will be wrong. Just deliver them to the kitchen and then exit the room so that the woman using the walker can drag them around to her liking. Listen for sounds of a broken hip.
Holiday Tip 6: Do not, under any circumstances, bring a nice bottle of wine. Despite everyone enjoying an occasional glass in isolation, bearing an entire bottle will result in being known forevermore as the family member "with the drinking problem."
Holiday Tip 7: If you begin having panic attacks, there will be several empty rooms as folks tend to congregate to verbally abuse each other in ways that sound almost like compliments. Simply find a chair, grip the arms, and rock until you can breathe again. Even better if it's the room with the magazine over the floor register, because it will be cooler.
Holiday Tip 8: The gossip will never be helpful. Just play bingo on each subject and be glad that no one cares enough to talk about you behind your back.
Holiday Tip 9: If you're the last one to sit, check the integrity of the chair before you sit, especially if you're pregnant. The chair is broken. They'll tell you after you fall in the floor.
Holiday Tip 10: If you purchase identical gifts in different colors for sisters, you can not include a tag so if they like the other one's better, they can swap and you can pretend you meant it that way all along.
Holiday Tip 11: If you need a Kleenex, find the repurposed gift box containing the wrapping materials for the tree ornaments. Because those are the only ones.
Holiday Tip 12: Make all your calls and do all of your internet-necessary activities twenty minutes before you get all the way "home." There ain't no reception and what's this "WiFi"?
Holiday Tip 13: Something will get lost. Adults may not be able to find it. Offer a cash reward to the first of the gaggle of children to locate it.
Holiday Tip 14: If you want to leave by nine pm, say goodbye the first time at approximately noon. That will get you closer to on schedule. You'll still be late.
Holiday Tip 15: Just make a group text and name it "I'm home safe" to cut down on time and potential forgotten folks who love you.
Thanks for humoring me, y'all.
Merry Christmas to y'all and to all a good night.
Holiday Tip 2: If you're going to help spread the freshly-laundered, starched tablecloth, do not then immediately dump extremely strong coffee all over it.
Holiday Tip 3: Do not curse when asked if your husband is coming to dinner. Just politely say "no ma'am."
Holiday Tip 4: Wear layers and accept that the temperature inside the house will help you burn off your big meal. Drink plenty of water and if you feel faint, step outside. Bottle in the trunk optional.
Holiday Tip 5: No matter how you arrange the chairs around the table, it will be wrong. Just deliver them to the kitchen and then exit the room so that the woman using the walker can drag them around to her liking. Listen for sounds of a broken hip.
Holiday Tip 6: Do not, under any circumstances, bring a nice bottle of wine. Despite everyone enjoying an occasional glass in isolation, bearing an entire bottle will result in being known forevermore as the family member "with the drinking problem."
Holiday Tip 7: If you begin having panic attacks, there will be several empty rooms as folks tend to congregate to verbally abuse each other in ways that sound almost like compliments. Simply find a chair, grip the arms, and rock until you can breathe again. Even better if it's the room with the magazine over the floor register, because it will be cooler.
Holiday Tip 8: The gossip will never be helpful. Just play bingo on each subject and be glad that no one cares enough to talk about you behind your back.
Holiday Tip 9: If you're the last one to sit, check the integrity of the chair before you sit, especially if you're pregnant. The chair is broken. They'll tell you after you fall in the floor.
Holiday Tip 10: If you purchase identical gifts in different colors for sisters, you can not include a tag so if they like the other one's better, they can swap and you can pretend you meant it that way all along.
Holiday Tip 11: If you need a Kleenex, find the repurposed gift box containing the wrapping materials for the tree ornaments. Because those are the only ones.
Holiday Tip 12: Make all your calls and do all of your internet-necessary activities twenty minutes before you get all the way "home." There ain't no reception and what's this "WiFi"?
Holiday Tip 13: Something will get lost. Adults may not be able to find it. Offer a cash reward to the first of the gaggle of children to locate it.
Holiday Tip 14: If you want to leave by nine pm, say goodbye the first time at approximately noon. That will get you closer to on schedule. You'll still be late.
Holiday Tip 15: Just make a group text and name it "I'm home safe" to cut down on time and potential forgotten folks who love you.
Follow me for more fashion and survival tips for the American Evangelical South.
Thanks for humoring me, y'all.
Merry Christmas to y'all and to all a good night.
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