Find Your People Then You'll Find Yourself

 A USPS box. Unremarkable. It sat at the door for a day or two before I even knew it was there. My ex-husband has  a stack and I have a stack. They no longer mingle and wait to be sorted out. This afternoon, I moved it over to the kitchen counter so I'd remember to open it. 

Later, I opened and took out the little packages wrapped in cardinal napkins. I immediately thought of decoupage. I set them on the counter for later and broke down the box and the rest of the boxes that contained cat food and melatonin and other mundane things.

I went back later when I had time to enjoy and unwrapped one, a candle that smells like home. Like summer flowers and air. The whole box was fragrant with this Mason jar romance. The other box looked like a vintage ornament, green and white, Santa Claus all over,  and so midcentury. I've seen these my whole life. I've seen Nanny take them out one by one and unbox and then unwrap them in the same way this one was packed. So very much exactly right. I took off the top and nestled in the tissue paper, a little gray possum, with pink flowers and green leaves, hanging by her tail and smiling.

At first, pure joy. I laughed. I went immediately and hung her right at the front of the tree. Sunday would have been Daddy's 75th birthday. He hated Christmas. I never cared for it. And here we are, with this reminder of missing my father and not loving Christmas, but at the same time, of the people I have gathered around me for better or worse. It has been a good day. Tomorrow will be better. And I burst into tears.

My house is empty. I'm not lonely, so don't get the wrong idea. It's quiet. I like the stillness. Made Tuesday night a better night. No one to worry about disturbing. I can cry if I want to and no one will ask me if I'm okay. I'm okay. It's good to finally feel the full weight and volume of the season I avoid feeling.

What kind of people must you love to know exactly the thing at the moment that you need it? I love what that says about how I peel all the layers of self-defense away and point directly at the soft spot between my dragon scales when I love. For a few months, all that has done is hurt me. A couple weeks later and falling fully apart and trying to gather all the pieces back and squish them back together and here I am, in my quiet house, with my heart so full of the old and the new and the always  that I can't stop the tears.

I am thankful. For the season. For the people I love and the people who love me and those are trying to. I've never been in a better place to love and be loved with such vulnerability. I keep saying my heart is so full and that's it. I can't think of a better way to explain this past overflowing. Feeling it all and grateful that I can. Bathing in the fire so hot it's  blue-white. 

I have to get to bed. I am so tired. I should sleep so well. And I need to. Tomorrow will be a long, sweet day of lunch and hikes and trails and a lovely private little pond and the best company. I need my energy for the joy in my life.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We Traveled Nationwide, Til We Settled Here on the East Side

Image
I am not supposed to consider my sleep as a factor in not feeling well. I keep having to remind myself of that. I'm entering my fourth week of mild,  self-controlled sleep deprivation, prescribed and overseen by a sleep psychologist. I woke up this morning feeling like I have the flu. I've had a headache for two days, I'm nauseated, I feel woozy. I slept through my alarm this morning. That has not happened in over a decade. I feel like I got good and drunk last night and have had about four drinks total in the past week. When she told me that we're doing at least another week, I didn't cry. I haven't cried yet. I do have a giant lump in my throat because all I want to do right now is crawl back in bed after a cup of coffee and my ADHD medications. Good news is that we always talk in the morning, so I'll have plenty of time to get this particular thing out of my system before bedtime. She says that's important. So much of what our appointments include is ...
Read more

Don't Forget the Key's Under the Mat

Image
It’s been the same every year on this day. I never can believe that he’s as old as he is. It’s his last real milestone to adulthood. He’s 21 today. In fifteen minutes, to be exact. The only one I have and I always knew he’d be the only one. As much as I always loved him, it wasn’t fair to even try to love someone else that much. I just don’t think I could. He’s been my favorite person since the moment he started being his own person. My baby, my buddy, my biggest fan, my confidante, my partner in crime, my adventure accomplice, my concert companion, my ride-or-die, my travel copilot, my best friend. We talk almost every day. My heart hopes it will always be that way, but my mind knows that I shouldn’t expect him to live his life for me. He’s out on his own now. People have asked me if that hurts. It’s two things. I miss him. Lord, do I miss him. I didn’t bake him a cake for the first time in his life this year. That breaks my heart more than I can find words to tell. I bought the ingre...
Read more

Don't Chase That Carrot Til it Makes You Sick

Image
I can't remember the last time I sat down to write. It's not that I'm uninspired or that I have writer's block or whatever. I have not had time to sit without my usual guilt. I sit here now with "clean out bedroom drawers" written in ink pen on my palm like a '90s phone number. I miss this. The time sitting still, a Tropicalia at my right hand, two in. James McMurtry in my ears, wondering if in a few weeks, I should buy one ticket or two. My God, I'm happy. I guess the time has come to share the news. I'll be a proper Athenian in a week and sixteen hours. I never thought in a million years that I'd own anything. It makes way more sense than I ever thought it would. I always said that with Gabe grown, I'd do this. I'd buy a condo in a city somewhere that I could walk or bike or ride a bus anywhere I wanted to be. Nowhere up North. I get cold. Nowhere out of the country, I have a criminal record, you know. And that seriously limits my opt...
Read more