I Saw My Chance and I Took It

I've heard this a few times over the last several years and it always baffles me. "I'm glad you didn't let [insert person connected with some bad memories] ruin [insert thing I love] for you."

All I can think when someone says that is "How on earth could I do that?" If you let any person and whatever they've done or said change the things you love, how do do you love anything?

Y'all know that I moved to a city where my heart has lived for a long time. A city that's of full of music, art, love, goodness and all the minor things (like walking to the best food in the city without breaking a sweat). And over the past years, there have been so many people and experiences that I could have let take that from me.

Of course anywhere you go will have memories attached. At the end of the day, you can't let the bad ones overtake the good. That's how you become a bitter, unhappy person and I'm just not that, despite my wide streak of melancholy. I enjoy being happy. I enjoy laughing and singing and feeling everything all the way through. I recognize my good fortune and my exceptional circumstances. I've worked my ass off to overcome the other sort. And that has made me extraordinary.

I never looked at myself statistically until well into my 30's. I grew up poor. You can ask how poor, but that's a whole comparative thing that I just don't want to deal with. I've had people who were middle class be alarmed at what my idea of being comfortable looks like.
Despite that not great start, I've done okay. Here's fun list of statistics:
  • I fell into the lower 20% of families economically.
  • I was twice as likely to miss more than 11 days of school every year.
  • I was twice as likely to repeat a grade in school.
  • I was 4 times more likely to be hungry.
  • My average earnings at age 30 were $30,500.
  • I was 5 times  more likely to live in poverty at age 35.
I was 7 times more likely to be a teen mom. Well, that is my statistic. Despite that
  • More than 50% of people like me never finish high school.
  • Only 2% of people like me have a college degree by 30.
  • I had a 33% likelihood to escape poverty.
  • I should earn 30% less than my peers.
Now let's look at some statistics that just result from having a uterus at birth:
  • I only had a 30% likelihood to have a college degree.
  • I am in the top 10% of women earners. In the top 15% for men. So I'd be exceptional either way.
  • I should earn 7% less than average because I'm a mother.
I ran half marathons with untreated asthma and no cartilage in one knee. I arm wrestled men, and won. I learned to paint and stitch and bake without anyone teaching me or believing that I could.

Okay, now some if this is totally choice-driven. I'm not saying that the disadvantages I had were all chance. I'm not saying all the advantages were hard work. I'm just saying that overall intersection looks good on me. I got on this tangent because I never "let" anyone anything. And I never waited for someone to "let" me either. I must have been born a difficult woman. I don't manipulate easily. I don't do as I'm told just because I'm told. I don't wait around for life to happen to me. Because it will. And you probably won't like it much.

All of that said, there is something to say for radical acceptance. If you have done the best you can and you still don't get what you wanted, it is okay to let it go. Whether that's a goal, a person, an event. Let it go. And don't look back to where you left it. There are better things in your hands right now.

Let's add one more layer. What people say about you is none of your business. If it's true, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If it's not true, anyone who knows you knows better than to believe it and anyone who does believe it won't have their minds changed no matter what you say.

The only time you need to be concerned with what someone is saying about you is when they come to you and say it to you. Conflict isn't fun, but people who can face conflict in an adult fashion are really the ones you want to be around.

Life lessons are hard. Do the best you know how until you learn better and then do better. Love your faces.

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