And Tonight After Everything Closes, I'll Follow My Own Free Will

Sunday, I got the message that the house I had fallen for was off the market. I was already planning how to organize the furniture and where I'd put my easel. The driveway was flat. The backyard was pretty. The stairs were too narrow and the carpet was so new the place smelled like stale smoke and fresh paint. It wasn't perfect and it clearly was not the one. I think I've gotten fully tired of settling.

I'm gonna need more boxes. I swear, like half of mine are just gone. The ones that are the best size for packing. And I am left with doing most of that myself. I let myself be in that place entirely too often. I did finally order a whole pack of wardrobe boxes. And this is just a good excuse to clean out my closet and get rid of things that don't fit or that I don't need or want or wear. I guess that's a whole other metaphor. I guess everything is a sign if you want it to be.

Yesterday, I went to look at a few more places. I have to tell you, this new rental process is a nightmare. I understand that everybody is getting scammed. I had one incident of an attempt when I was looking at a new place last time. I tend to be a little sharper than average and I got as far as the front door before I realized something was off. So there's a whole new process with websites and photos of your ID and then an on-the-spot 3D verification that you are the person on your ID.

 I've been to two places that I couldn't get into using the website that's supposed to basically do everything for you. One of them told me that I didn't meet some qualification, but wouldn't tell me which one. My credit score is lovely, my income is more than sufficient, my rental history is great, I've got a long history of valid employment. I can't imagine what the problem was.

Anyway, that nightmare led me back to the website, where the house I wanted appeared again, for less. I called the company to verify that it was available and that there were no other applications on it. It was. There weren't. I put in my application on the spot. By the time I got home and resettled, there was a text for yet another ID verification. This one did not cooperate with my lighting at home and the link decided I had enough tries and locked. I emailed and should receive a new link this morning, in a couple hours.

I woke up at stupid am, as I have recently to an email that I'm "pre-qualified," whatever the hell that even means. Then an email for an income verification. Okay, well that's going to be a pain in the ass, huh? Took five minutes by temporarily linking my bank account to show how much cash comes in versus how much cash exists in the accounts. Still looking really shiny from my profit serving bonus. I love my job.

So I think that all means that with the exception of the second round of ID verification, I should be set to get the house I wanted pretty quickly. It's convenient to the shop, it's convenient to work. I won't have to get on 400 to get to either. Sometimes you have to lose something before you realize how much you wanted it in the first place. But it's rare that it comes back to you after that. Better hang on the second time. Read that again.

Just out of sight is where I'll put my easel. Beside the table. Oil paint and good light. I'll love this place. I just know it.

I know how hard it is for certain people to say things like "I love you." And I'm happy with saying "you're going to love me" with the utmost irony to hear "I already do" as a response. I am exactly where I should be. And that will lead me to peace. It already gives me a huge dose. I type that with tears streaming down my face. I love these people. I'd realign the stars for them. They realigned mine, so it's only fair. This is what family feels like. I have to trust it. Some of them do. The rest will come along. I love them so much. And my love is a force.

I've been feeling off my game lately. I've been consciously drinking less. That's good. I've been maybe a little more anxious and depressed than usual. I suppose that's no real surprise with everything happening. My heart hurts. I'm tired. I have so much to do and I feel like I have no real support system here. I'm very lucky to have so many people at distance who love me and support me. People who check on me and hold me together across the miles. Add digestive upset to the mix and I'm just a ball of fun. I believe that even the tummy problems are a result of my nerves. I get that from my grandmother. That and her ridiculous sneeze. It's much more endearing on a woman who weighs a hundred pounds. And I've gained something like ten pounds. I have no idea how I gained that much that fast, but here we are. Let's see what we can do about it. Good news is that I've an appointment with my psychiatrist again this morning. She rarely gets to see me in such form. But I think she should. I know so much of it is turmoil in my life. My therapist says it's situational. I don't know what it is. I know something gets to being wrong and I don't have the tools to fix it myself. We shall see.

Funny story: Gabe brought a young woman home who looked familiar to me. She recognized me too. She and her friend both flirted with me Friday night. Goodness, they are so young and fresh and beautiful. I am also in love with someone else, so I don't think I can really see anyone romantically who isn't the one. I hate the collateral damage to people, living people, that brought me to this conclusion. I would love to apologize to at least one of those people, but he crushed that chance because I don't want him to mistake my kindness and softness for a return in interest. Nope. I guess if I'm out of range, Gabe is as close as it gets, and probably the better option for a young woman that age. I apologized and explained why I wasn't flirting back. I will usually flirt with a rock. I just love making people feel attractive and good about themselves. It's fun.

I had a message Sunday morning that was exactly what I needed. A friend from back home just sent me a sweet message Saturday night. Again, I am so lucky to have the people around me who give me so much support and hope. This man is really a glittery soul. He's always been so kind, gentle, thoughtful, helpful, creative, good. He's been on a journey towards his own physical health to match the heart and soul that's just lovely. I'm not just happy for him, I'm so proud of him and I know that he's going to get to exactly where he wants to be. No one more deserves it. Anyway, he just kind of reinforced the person I want to be. The person I'm working hard to be. He said I was "a glimmer of hope" amongst "butt heads." Good job making me laugh and warming my heart and bringing tears to my eyes, Justin. You're one of those sweet dapples too.

Honestly, I love these mornings with my coffee. I should be sleeping, but I can't (that's way too common lately) so I don't feel as if I'm obligated to do anything. That's rare. I always feel guilty for not doing something I should be doing. But mornings like these, I cannot do what I should be doing, so I do what I will. My own will. Wilful as I am, I rarely get to do what I will. Funny how those times usually end up with me reading my latest book or writing to an audience that doesn't ever let me know they're reading at all. Shouting into the void. 

I did learn a few things recently about myself. One is that I'm a good dancer. I always thought I couldn't dance to save my life. I can dance and carry on a conversation. That is, I can do that when dancing with a partner who can dance. That whole idea led me to another concept. I will follow if I find someone who can lead. I like being the person getting things done in the background. When it all comes down to it. I'm happiest not being looked at too hard. I've spent my life faking that and I'm so goddamn tired of faking. Don't try to silence me, but listen to me, weigh my opinions, trust my experience and knowledge. I promise to do the same. And to trust you to speak both our words to the rest of the world. I'll be back here, typing away and putting the words together in my head and on the page and not having to make them come out my mouth in the right way.

Anyway, it's getting to be time for me to shower and get my day going. My team lead just signed into work. I hope that man goes to bed early. I know he's not getting a lot of sleep lately either. He's been out working events for his church and other ones in the area. He's a good, kind man of faith.