Every Second with You Makes the Whole World Mean Something

I've not really even been able to write lately. I just feel bruised and tired. There is a lot going on, so I suspect it's just life slapping me in the face with its dick. My therapist said I look like I've lost weight. Everyone tells me I look great when I tell them how awful I feel. I hate that so much. As if looking good helps a thing when you kind of just want to give up. I spend way too much time crying. Ugly crying. And I've let people see it. And then sometimes, you get inspiration from places you never expected. 

I was speaking with my best girlfriend about a situation in her life. Or a situation she's watching unfold in the lives of a couple she knows. 

She says "They can't both be crazy, can they?"

I thought about it and I realized really quickly that yes, they both can be crazy. Absolutely. And here's my hot take on why and how that happens.

It's not at all uncommon for people with mental illness to get involved with other people who also have mental illness. We smell our own.

I suspect it's one of the reasons that I haven't been too successful. I'm so traumatized that people who aren't also traumatized seem kind of...flat to me. And that I surely seem fully insane to people who aren't also traumatized and possibly mentally ill. I am a lot.

Being fucked up makes you complex. Your emotions get twisty and your humor gets dark. You get introspective (if you're lucky) and you overanalyze everything. You inspect every aspect of everything. It's like if someone rear-ends you in traffic, you become more vigilant of people who might rear-end you in traffic. If you fall in love with someone because you are attracted to X about that person, then when it all falls apart, sometimes due to X, you start seeing that thing as a red flag. Is it one? Maybe.

By that same token, maybe that red flag really is a red flag, but it becomes the devil you know. I can give you a list of my red flag attractions. It ain't cute. I do think that you get better at handling an issue the more you're exposed to it. The more you see it, the more you understand the causes and the motivation and why people behave in ways they do under certain circumstances.

I think we all are fucked up on some level. I think those of us who are more fucked up are drawn to people more fucked up too because normal people seem so simple. I know I look at people who are perfectly well-adjusted and I get suspicious that maybe they aren't observant enough. Imagine thinking that someone who isn't damaged and bruised must be the broken one.

As the fucked up, we learn to recognize goodness in people that others won't see. And we're empathetic enough to overlook so much and be so loyal and accepting and loving. Overlooking red flags sometimes...

You meet people like that and they see the beauty in what everyone else criticized. They understand how sensitive you must be for what happened to you to affect you so deeply. They recognize your tenderness and your depth and see those cactus spikes as exactly what they are. We're not out here trying to come for you, just stay right there and let us watch you for a while to see what you'll do with us when we fall all the way apart again. And then meet us halfway, hug us hard and wipe our tears (and sometimes our literal snotty noses), kiss us on the cheek and do what you have to do.

Finding people like this is special. It's healing. And it's terrifying. And it takes that kind of faithful support over time to let that guard down and be okay being okay. I've never gotten there. I'm working toward it. But you have to meet each other halfway. I have to learn to let go. I have to find someone willing to lean in. And I've started this with a whole host of platonic relationships. I think that when you take romantic out of the equation, you realize that these people aren't after something. They aren't trying to use you or harm you for whatever motive they have. 

By that same logic, you can't fix anyone. You can't make them love you or trust you or believe in themselves or trust themselves. And that's where it gets dangerous and really, really scary. How do you know someone is okay with their damage enough to let you touch them? You can't until you're already  burned.

You begin to not trust your own good instincts and your gut feelings about who is safe and who isn't. You learn that you're the problem and so the first thing you always think is that you're the problem. And no one is ever the whole problem. That's a situation I've spoken to a young person in my life about recently.

I've been told I'm a control freak. Not people, but situations. I want to make sure that I do everything I can to make sure that things turn out well. That said, I'm also good at radical acceptance. If I can't do anything about a situation, I recognize that and I let go. It may take banging my head against a wall for six months, but I get there when all other avenues are exhausted. That's another thing about loving people in pain. Sometimes, there's just not a damn thing you can do.