I Just Stand by and Let You Fight Your Secret War

There I am, on my knees in front of the refrigerator, scrubbing...what may be a dried puddle of celery remains, from the bottom after taking out the drawer, washing it and all of its contents and spraying this crusty, bourbon-colored sludge with something that smells of grapefruit. And I'm doing a fantastic job. None of that scrubbing too hard or I've not got enough paper towels or I started in the wrong part of the mess and I'm just spreading it around nonsense. Honestly, this feels like one of the wins of my week.

Then for absolutely no reason I can explain: tears. I've reached a new level of pathetic. I'm not scrubbing in absolute fury, I'm scrubbing in absolute helplessness. I realized that my scrubbing is like someone else's self-sabotage. I do these things so that I feel like I have an ounce of control over any situation right now. I do not. And I am absolutely doing the best I can.

I wonder if it could be the new anti-anxiety med I'm taking. Generalized anxiety is a whole bitch, y'all. I took this one once before and it did nothing but make me tired. This time, it's making me tired and clumsy, and forgetful, and evidently weepy. And I absolutely do not have time to acclimate right now. People are depending on me and I don't have anyone I can depend on, so that's kind of a crisis by itself. And I still feel like there is so much that I can't do. So many things I want to do that I don't have the ability or the energy or the intelligence or social grace or whatever for. I can't be everything to everyone. But I can sure as fuck try.

Last night, I went to see Jeremy Pinnell. He never disappoints. I did not even know about his cover of "Joey" until the lady in the front row who was first in the door and reminded me of my friend, Cher, basically bullied him into doing it. Oh. Oh. I cried. It was beautiful. One of those songs that used to really just smack of the '80s ballady insincerity suddenly was everything in my heart at that moment. I've been singing it to myself ever since. Every hurt person I ever loved and hurt is that song now. And it will be one of my favorites until I die.

Joey - Jeremy Pinnell

I was asked out by a active duty Air Force man. I agreed because he had a good idea for something fun. I just wanted to go out and have a man tell me I'm pretty and be nice to me for a few hours without having to do everything. It sounded great, even if I wasn't super enthusiastic about the company. I should know better by now.

We were supposed to go out today and despite my setting the expectations straight from the very first moment, he thought he was special, I guess. He'd seduce me. The man made some sort of comment about his "magic tongue" and I just laughed and told him that I've been with enough women to know that there is no man who can do it better. I think at his age, he's used to desperate, horny women who let him get away with things these younger women will have none of unless they want to. I hope my generation is the last one to brainwash girls into being nice instead of taking care of themselves.

When you ask someone to stop something because their behavior makes you feel unsafe and they blow through that boundary, that's predatory. He scared me a little. And I don't scare easy. All I could think was if he knew about my whole ass team of badass big brothers over at the shop who would eat him for treating me that way, he'd have better manners. Funny thing is, he'd probably just as best be afraid of me. I've never struck anyone in my life who did not hit me first, but I will sure cut off your head at the ankles with my words. And they're true words. Sometimes that's what makes them sharpest.

I called him all the way out and told him I thought it was a bad idea for us to go out. Then he acted like I'd misrepresented myself. I really think it turned him off a little that I don't tend to have a strong preference related to gender. I like who I like. And you, with your receding hairline and your sarcoptic obesity, with your dark, little beady eyes and your filthy mind, excluding all other content, your are not special. You are predator used to finding easy prey. I wish I had the confidence of a mediocre white man.

In another time, I'd have gone anyway. I'd have silenced that feeling in my gut, that pinching rage at his audacity, the tinge of fear about the same color as the celery puddle. I'd have gone. And I'd have probably let him get away with way more than I was comfortable with. Thank fuck I am not that scared little person anymore. I'd really like to see the person who got me to that place today. The people. I think I can thank at least one of them for it next time we see each other. I wouldn't tell at least one of them. It would be both a compliment and a cruelty and I think more the second than the first. Funny how you can get jealous over what you hold at the end of your arm, turning over and over and never bringing it close.

I'm grateful for that particular heaviness in my heart. It's keeping me safe to an extent. I think to allow myself to be vulnerable enough that if someone I love is protective over me, to let them be is another huge step for me. A jar of capers and "I can say something to them if you want me to." I won't let anyone else treat me with any less respect. Any less care. Any less gentleness as they check the weather, ever again. 

I'm going to go do a loooooong gym class. 90 minutes. I have no doubt that I'll survive it and be fine, but it really is a bit masochistic this morning. I should rest, clean the house, clean the car, mow the lawn, finish this painting, fold the laundry... But I feel this irresistible urge to go burn something in my body. The housework will wait. The bruises on my inside bits will not.

The last time I did one of these long workouts was when I hurt my shoulder for real. So it's truly a sort of come back. A little less hubris, a little more knowledge. Hopefully, a stronger shoulder. I'll leave there feeling like I did a good thing. I'll feel strong and sexy and capable. And I know inside myself that's what I need right now. I have to trust my gut.