The Way That Those Same Trees Grew to Shade

Some nights are like this. I don't think it's just where I am or where you are or any specific place. I think some nights are like this everywhere.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. The man whose wife I'll no longer be can't see this. And it isn't that I intend to say anything harmful. I just know that at some point, you have to stop granting access to your feelings. Even if there was a time not so long ago that you let him drive your car and you screamed the lyrics to a song you both know on your way somewhere you really wanted to be. That you still wish you could be going. One unhealthy habit can't take the place of another, even if it can sort of be a crutch for a while. Lesson learned. Trauma bond broken. Like this damn finger, I suspect. Learning how to be alone.

I crushed my finger in a drawer on the way to take my medication. I don't sleep. I never did do much of it, but now it's clinical. My left middle finger. Hurts to type. Unironic in so many ways. It will probably really hurt tomorrow as I stand in that courtroom to answer for the promise I broke.

You know, I still rub that finger where my ring is supposed to be when I get anxious. The one beside the crushed one. It's funny how it can be both things. And that's why I don't want him to see. I have no doubt that this is the right thing, but I don't want to hurt him with the regrets that I have that don't change a thing. I hope he finds all the happiness in the whole world. I think I even know her name. And nothing in that brings me anything but comfort. Just one more way that we are so very different.

That does not change that tonight is hard. The fear of the unknown is the greatest of all. I do well with anything but that. I was so confident when I thought it would be over months ago. And now I can barely breathe. Barely eat. The reason that the gym was about the only comfort I could take. And it made me look like all the things I want to feel. I'll get back there. And don't call it a come back.

I can do this. I know it. And I am not afraid. I think that part of my life is over. The afraid part. I'm too old for that and I'm too tired for that. It's not really being brave. It's not that grandiose. It's just the absence of fear. Stupidity maybe. Because I do not know a goddamn thing. Just that I hurt all over. It will pass. it will pass faster if I go to bed and wake up and face the next step. I'll be there, looking the judge in the eye, telling him why. And I will be a force. And after that, there will be no one else to ask why. Ask why on both ends.

I guess some nights are just like this. Everywhere.

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