To a Band that I Love
Something incredible has happened. It only took two months of living with no one but myself, the kiddo, and the cat for it to happen. I was sitting in my living room with the television on, not really watching it too closely, when for the briefest moment, I was at total peace. I hadn't tried for it, I hadn't expected it, I just had that realization that as I sat there, I was completely content. That is a magical feeling.
The past few weeks have been kind of insane. I guess we can just go back to the part where things got weird and work our way forward.
So I'd been helping (without being asked if it was something I wanted to do) with a fan page on Facebook. It was kind of treated as if it were some great honor to give my time to this page. I helped organize some fan activity and a place for trading concert tickets, made some stickers and distributed them, occasionally did things like get posters signed and mailed, typed up some statements from the collective admins, that sort of thing. And for a while it was great. The people who were the most active and present were some of the best folks I'd ever known and so the pleasure of interacting with them made everything worthwhile. Some of the other members tended to be intentionally combative and pretty much argumentative and difficult. Those people are never fun. I don't have patience for name-calling and hurling insults. It's fine to have a point and make it clear, but if all you have for ammunition is an ad hominem, then you need to reevaluate your allegiance to your point. After consulting the group founder, I had excused a few folks who seemed to lack the ability to be respectful.
Me and the group founder had developed a kind of friendship. We'd always had a pretty friendly relationship, so we talked frequently by IM or text message. I remained somewhat distant because I knew that he was an alcoholic reportedly in recovery, so I did my best to be supportive and kind and non-judgmental. If you plan to make yourself part of the life of an alcoholic, you have to be that way.
There had been a few times when he seemed like he was pretty controlling, as if he were trying to personally control me. For instance, he got really upset when I didn't answer a phone call from him once. I don't like phone calls because I do have a busy life and I'm usually not able to sit and have my hands occupied long enough at one time to talk on the phone. He told me that he didn't like it when I didn't answer and that in the future, to answer his phone calls. It hadn't been any sort of emergency, but he was still quite upset. I don't much care for that type of behavior, so I set him straight about my sentiments on the subject of phone calls. He typically responded with "Heard" when he had to receive a message he didn't like and that's what I got this time.
I knew that he had been drinking recently and had reports from a few shows that some of my good friends had gone to that he had been absolutely hammered. He didn't deny it. I was disappointed, but it was mostly because these were shows of a lifetime with people who would know him and expect him to be the face of the page. I made it clear that people noticed and that they knew, but I didn't push it because that is not my job. He'd actually worried a few of the folks because they were afraid that he was going to get into a fist fight at a concert. I didn't hear that part until much later.
That's about the time some of his erratic behavior really started to make sense. Some of the messages that I'd gotten, some of the way he treated people from the group for no reason- started to make sense. He tended to be a controlling, somewhat combative drunk. He would get drunk and pick fights and assert his control. I kind of backed away a little at that point. I don't need that in my life right now. It's hard enough for me to motivate to get up in the morning and take care of my current obligations. I didn't need another person to babysit.
Several weeks later on a Tuesday (you know, when I was working my full-time job), I'd gotten some IM's from the founder from the beach about sand dollars and tourists ( he lives by the beach). I responded accordingly. He seemed completely fine and I thought he was having a good day off. I was pleased for him.
That evening around 6:00pm, he sends me a message that seems to be one of his typical almost aggressive messages about my activity on the page. I'd been very busy and only checked in a couple times a day to sort of get a pulse. Much less intervention than I'd been doing. I responded to the first couple of messages and then realized that he must have spent the entire day drinking at the beach. I told him that I knew he'd been drinking and if he wanted to talk about concerns, we could pick it up the next day. I said good night and stopped replying. What ensued was four and a half hours of abusive IMs about my personal character. He'd announced to me that he was removing my admin rights in the group (which was really just fine with me because I don't need that full-time job). It was as if the "privilege" of doing that work was something he had complete control over (and he did) and he was using it as a way to punish me. He assured me that the other six admins were on board with the way he was behaving. No one had previously said a word to me. He then went on to call me foolish and a liar and tell me that I was selfish and knew nothing about music. For four and a half hours. I was upset of course, but knew that it was because he'd been drinking. I confirmed that when I started looking through the page and saw that he'd posted some pretty incoherent information that didn't really have any relevance.
I thought that I'd wait until the next day and see if he'd make contact again. He didn't. I was still receiving messages from group members who had experienced problems and needed help. I couldn't do anything to help anymore. I was paranoid about what I posted and how I responded to things. The group had stopped being any kind of fun. By Thursday, I realized I had no business being in this group anymore. So, I left. I did not flounce. I did not announce to anyone that I was leaving. I just left. That seemed like the best thing to do.
Almost immediately, I started getting messages asking where I'd gone and what had happened. Anyone who wanted the information was given the information, including the screenshots of the way I was treated so that there was no speculation on if I had interpreted something badly. I removed the founder from my friends list and blocked him on Facebook so that I wouldn't have to contend with any more of his behavior. I don't tolerate that bullshit. I received one more abusive text message about "spreading rumors" (note: it's not spreading rumors when you have screenshots that show the interaction frame by frame). Most folks who asked wondered if I planned to make a new group and at the time, I had no desire to do that. I realized that I had spent most of my free time on the internet, trying to police a bunch of adults about not being jerks. I would check the group at shows and while I was out with my family. I'd rush home and check on it. It was exhausting and I was relieved not to be doing that anymore.
I did send a group message to the remaining admins of the group explaining why I'd left and sharing the messages I received. It was informational as I had no real motivation beyond letting them know that he was behaving erratically and unpredictably in the event that it happened again (because I wasn't the first woman he'd become abusive toward while he was drunk.)
Only one of them responded, and it was the other male admin. He stood by the founder and said that they had agreed and that the founder was right and that he (the male admin) knew that I'd never liked him (probably because he was pretty much an asshole to everyone equally, which never sits well with me). He told me that not everyone had the temperament to be and admin and he was sorry that I was so upset by being removed as one (which really wasn't what any of this was about). He told me that the founder hadn't been drunk that night as they'd spoken on the phone (which was complete nonsense) and that if I knew anything about addiction (mother, father, two sisters, a brother, several lovers, many friends, all addicts) I would know that had I really thought he was drunk I'd have waited for him to sober up and change his mind (which I did).
At that point I realized that I wasn't being understood and wouldn't be understood, so I excused myself from there too. Some people don't want to hear.
I continued to get questions about what happened and asking if I wanted to start a new group. I finally kind of recovered from the shock and hurt feelings of having a friend behave that way and did start a new group. We have about 100 members and they are really the best of the best. I included a couple of other admins to keep me in line in case I turn into a drunk asshole and need to be excused. Rule #1: Don't be an asshole. And it doesn't feel like a job. It feels like a group of friends being kind to each other and sharing our lives. Like it should be.
So there was the chronological last place we were with the blog. I kind of lost the desire to write after that for a while and fell off the radar. But I think I feel better these days and you'll hear from me again soon.
Remember:
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
The past few weeks have been kind of insane. I guess we can just go back to the part where things got weird and work our way forward.
So I'd been helping (without being asked if it was something I wanted to do) with a fan page on Facebook. It was kind of treated as if it were some great honor to give my time to this page. I helped organize some fan activity and a place for trading concert tickets, made some stickers and distributed them, occasionally did things like get posters signed and mailed, typed up some statements from the collective admins, that sort of thing. And for a while it was great. The people who were the most active and present were some of the best folks I'd ever known and so the pleasure of interacting with them made everything worthwhile. Some of the other members tended to be intentionally combative and pretty much argumentative and difficult. Those people are never fun. I don't have patience for name-calling and hurling insults. It's fine to have a point and make it clear, but if all you have for ammunition is an ad hominem, then you need to reevaluate your allegiance to your point. After consulting the group founder, I had excused a few folks who seemed to lack the ability to be respectful.
Me and the group founder had developed a kind of friendship. We'd always had a pretty friendly relationship, so we talked frequently by IM or text message. I remained somewhat distant because I knew that he was an alcoholic reportedly in recovery, so I did my best to be supportive and kind and non-judgmental. If you plan to make yourself part of the life of an alcoholic, you have to be that way.
There had been a few times when he seemed like he was pretty controlling, as if he were trying to personally control me. For instance, he got really upset when I didn't answer a phone call from him once. I don't like phone calls because I do have a busy life and I'm usually not able to sit and have my hands occupied long enough at one time to talk on the phone. He told me that he didn't like it when I didn't answer and that in the future, to answer his phone calls. It hadn't been any sort of emergency, but he was still quite upset. I don't much care for that type of behavior, so I set him straight about my sentiments on the subject of phone calls. He typically responded with "Heard" when he had to receive a message he didn't like and that's what I got this time.
I knew that he had been drinking recently and had reports from a few shows that some of my good friends had gone to that he had been absolutely hammered. He didn't deny it. I was disappointed, but it was mostly because these were shows of a lifetime with people who would know him and expect him to be the face of the page. I made it clear that people noticed and that they knew, but I didn't push it because that is not my job. He'd actually worried a few of the folks because they were afraid that he was going to get into a fist fight at a concert. I didn't hear that part until much later.
That's about the time some of his erratic behavior really started to make sense. Some of the messages that I'd gotten, some of the way he treated people from the group for no reason- started to make sense. He tended to be a controlling, somewhat combative drunk. He would get drunk and pick fights and assert his control. I kind of backed away a little at that point. I don't need that in my life right now. It's hard enough for me to motivate to get up in the morning and take care of my current obligations. I didn't need another person to babysit.
Several weeks later on a Tuesday (you know, when I was working my full-time job), I'd gotten some IM's from the founder from the beach about sand dollars and tourists ( he lives by the beach). I responded accordingly. He seemed completely fine and I thought he was having a good day off. I was pleased for him.
That evening around 6:00pm, he sends me a message that seems to be one of his typical almost aggressive messages about my activity on the page. I'd been very busy and only checked in a couple times a day to sort of get a pulse. Much less intervention than I'd been doing. I responded to the first couple of messages and then realized that he must have spent the entire day drinking at the beach. I told him that I knew he'd been drinking and if he wanted to talk about concerns, we could pick it up the next day. I said good night and stopped replying. What ensued was four and a half hours of abusive IMs about my personal character. He'd announced to me that he was removing my admin rights in the group (which was really just fine with me because I don't need that full-time job). It was as if the "privilege" of doing that work was something he had complete control over (and he did) and he was using it as a way to punish me. He assured me that the other six admins were on board with the way he was behaving. No one had previously said a word to me. He then went on to call me foolish and a liar and tell me that I was selfish and knew nothing about music. For four and a half hours. I was upset of course, but knew that it was because he'd been drinking. I confirmed that when I started looking through the page and saw that he'd posted some pretty incoherent information that didn't really have any relevance.
I thought that I'd wait until the next day and see if he'd make contact again. He didn't. I was still receiving messages from group members who had experienced problems and needed help. I couldn't do anything to help anymore. I was paranoid about what I posted and how I responded to things. The group had stopped being any kind of fun. By Thursday, I realized I had no business being in this group anymore. So, I left. I did not flounce. I did not announce to anyone that I was leaving. I just left. That seemed like the best thing to do.
Almost immediately, I started getting messages asking where I'd gone and what had happened. Anyone who wanted the information was given the information, including the screenshots of the way I was treated so that there was no speculation on if I had interpreted something badly. I removed the founder from my friends list and blocked him on Facebook so that I wouldn't have to contend with any more of his behavior. I don't tolerate that bullshit. I received one more abusive text message about "spreading rumors" (note: it's not spreading rumors when you have screenshots that show the interaction frame by frame). Most folks who asked wondered if I planned to make a new group and at the time, I had no desire to do that. I realized that I had spent most of my free time on the internet, trying to police a bunch of adults about not being jerks. I would check the group at shows and while I was out with my family. I'd rush home and check on it. It was exhausting and I was relieved not to be doing that anymore.
I did send a group message to the remaining admins of the group explaining why I'd left and sharing the messages I received. It was informational as I had no real motivation beyond letting them know that he was behaving erratically and unpredictably in the event that it happened again (because I wasn't the first woman he'd become abusive toward while he was drunk.)
Only one of them responded, and it was the other male admin. He stood by the founder and said that they had agreed and that the founder was right and that he (the male admin) knew that I'd never liked him (probably because he was pretty much an asshole to everyone equally, which never sits well with me). He told me that not everyone had the temperament to be and admin and he was sorry that I was so upset by being removed as one (which really wasn't what any of this was about). He told me that the founder hadn't been drunk that night as they'd spoken on the phone (which was complete nonsense) and that if I knew anything about addiction (mother, father, two sisters, a brother, several lovers, many friends, all addicts) I would know that had I really thought he was drunk I'd have waited for him to sober up and change his mind (which I did).
At that point I realized that I wasn't being understood and wouldn't be understood, so I excused myself from there too. Some people don't want to hear.
I continued to get questions about what happened and asking if I wanted to start a new group. I finally kind of recovered from the shock and hurt feelings of having a friend behave that way and did start a new group. We have about 100 members and they are really the best of the best. I included a couple of other admins to keep me in line in case I turn into a drunk asshole and need to be excused. Rule #1: Don't be an asshole. And it doesn't feel like a job. It feels like a group of friends being kind to each other and sharing our lives. Like it should be.
So there was the chronological last place we were with the blog. I kind of lost the desire to write after that for a while and fell off the radar. But I think I feel better these days and you'll hear from me again soon.
Remember:
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
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