Blendydick Slumbersnatch
I met Leo on OkCupid. You'd think I'd learn my lesson. We kind of hit it right off. He was smart and deep and has the prettiest little girl. I had just gotten over with a kind of painful breakup that didn't make even a little bit of sense to me and I needed the ego-stroking to kind of bring me back up to par.
He told me that he was looking for a girlfriend and that he really wanted someone to come home to every day. Let's be honest, that appeals to me these days much more than a different guy every week. He seemed sincere and kind and in a similar place as I am, so I agreed to go out for coffee with him.
We agreed to have a cup of coffee in one of my favorite local shops and it was really convenient to his house, come to find out. I swear he looked like a fair-haired Benedict Cumberbatch in suspenders. His skin was perfect and he had the most gorgeous blue eyes. He was tall and handsome and dressed adorably. I never go for that look, but he was cute and kind of awkward. I love that, but it always weirds me out. I am the most awkward person in the world and I wonder if I do the same thing to men! He brought me a rose on our first date. Wow, that was the sweetest thing ever, right?
I was tired that day. I had pulled a self-pity bender the night before and I was really just recovering. I mean, a really bad night. I was tired and extremely run down and probably a little despondent. We sat outside in the damp chill of December in Georgia at one of those black wire tables and drank good coffee. I did that inevitable thing where I check fingernails. I don't mean to do it, it's just a thing I do. I was not impressed. His nails were dirty. Ewww. We talked about work and the normal first meeting things and his shyness was cute. He would look up through his eyelashes in this bashful way and I loved it. We took a slow walk around the block a few times with our cups and talked some more. I finally said I was tired and wanted to go home, so he walked me to my car and very sweetly and awkwardly kissed me goodnight.
He was odd, but let's be honest, I'm a little odd myself. I guess it's just finding someone whose weird is acceptable. Love is saying to someone you like "here's all my crazy" as you lay out your baggage and damage and then saying "you okay with that?" And then they say "yeah, that's okay. Now here's mine. You okay with this?" And then you say you are and you're in love. So his weird was okay because he was so sweet.
We planned for a second date. I was just going to hang out and watch a movie with him, with the understanding that I would not be removing my pants at any point in the evening. He said if I came over, he was going to have to kiss me and I said that I could use kissing.
So I get there and I can tell he's not completely sober. He's got an open Heineken on the coffee table and I think nothing of it. I'm no prude and I drink a little myself from time to time, as evidenced above. I had no idea how much he'd had and I should have walked right then, but he seemed harmless and I was never out of reach of that pepper spray. I didn't feel unsafe.
So he set us up a funny film and rolled his eyes when I understood the fitness references. He has some sort of heart condition that disallows strenuous activity and I'm thinking to myself "well, you're in trouble, hot stuff, because sex with me is pretty strenuous" but I didn't say anything. He leaned in and kissed me. At first it was nice. I hadn't been properly kissed in a while and I do love a good kiss. Then suddenly, it felt not good anymore. I disentangled and told him that I was okay, and that he was a good kisser (because he was) but that I just needed a minute. He was respectful. That's always a good sign.
He sat for a few minutes talking to me and he mentioned his gun collection and how much he liked them. Great, a gun enthusiast. I don't hate guns. I like guns. I just went to the range last week with a good friend to test my aim and get some of that adrenaline. Guns can be fun and they can be very good as deterrents to crime and they can certainly be helpful as a tool of self-defense. That said, some people are crazy and violently crazy people should not own guns. He then tells me about his criminal history for assault. Okay, well, we all have pasts.
He kept saying how beautiful I was. What woman doesn't like hearing that? I mean, it's great, but I've never been good at accepting those kinds of compliments without suspecting ulterior motives. I was once told that my eyes get me laid. That's always the compliment I get. I guess because it's bad for to compliment a woman's ass or breasts, which is what they are most likely looking at anyway.
He got up and left the room (presumably to pee because bodily functions) and when he came back, I swear I smelled marijuana. Now why would he want to hide that? I don't smoke, but I don't care if someone else wants to. Lying and sneaking around, on the other hand, are inexcusable. So I was a little on edge at this point and curious about the whole situation. We went back to watching the film and he leaned in to kiss me again. I swear, he freaking bit me. Hard. What the actual fuck? Well, I terminated that whole engagement quickly by pushing him away and protesting. I actually said "ow".
So at this point, I'm all weirded out and thinking he's maybe a little crazy. Or exceptionally crazy. I got the fuck out of there and I refused to see him again. I guess it's one of those things. Between what he'd openly talked about and the weird feeling I got and the weird way he acted, I knew that I couldn't date this guy. He's got some issues to sort out before he's ready for anything serious and it only took me two dates to figure that out. I was seriously a little worried that if I didn't cooperate, he might try to hurt me. He seemed genuinely emotionally and mentally fragile and unstable. Just the kind of guy I want to date, huh? Better luck next time, I guess.
He told me that he was looking for a girlfriend and that he really wanted someone to come home to every day. Let's be honest, that appeals to me these days much more than a different guy every week. He seemed sincere and kind and in a similar place as I am, so I agreed to go out for coffee with him.
We agreed to have a cup of coffee in one of my favorite local shops and it was really convenient to his house, come to find out. I swear he looked like a fair-haired Benedict Cumberbatch in suspenders. His skin was perfect and he had the most gorgeous blue eyes. He was tall and handsome and dressed adorably. I never go for that look, but he was cute and kind of awkward. I love that, but it always weirds me out. I am the most awkward person in the world and I wonder if I do the same thing to men! He brought me a rose on our first date. Wow, that was the sweetest thing ever, right?
I was tired that day. I had pulled a self-pity bender the night before and I was really just recovering. I mean, a really bad night. I was tired and extremely run down and probably a little despondent. We sat outside in the damp chill of December in Georgia at one of those black wire tables and drank good coffee. I did that inevitable thing where I check fingernails. I don't mean to do it, it's just a thing I do. I was not impressed. His nails were dirty. Ewww. We talked about work and the normal first meeting things and his shyness was cute. He would look up through his eyelashes in this bashful way and I loved it. We took a slow walk around the block a few times with our cups and talked some more. I finally said I was tired and wanted to go home, so he walked me to my car and very sweetly and awkwardly kissed me goodnight.
He was odd, but let's be honest, I'm a little odd myself. I guess it's just finding someone whose weird is acceptable. Love is saying to someone you like "here's all my crazy" as you lay out your baggage and damage and then saying "you okay with that?" And then they say "yeah, that's okay. Now here's mine. You okay with this?" And then you say you are and you're in love. So his weird was okay because he was so sweet.
We planned for a second date. I was just going to hang out and watch a movie with him, with the understanding that I would not be removing my pants at any point in the evening. He said if I came over, he was going to have to kiss me and I said that I could use kissing.
So I get there and I can tell he's not completely sober. He's got an open Heineken on the coffee table and I think nothing of it. I'm no prude and I drink a little myself from time to time, as evidenced above. I had no idea how much he'd had and I should have walked right then, but he seemed harmless and I was never out of reach of that pepper spray. I didn't feel unsafe.
So he set us up a funny film and rolled his eyes when I understood the fitness references. He has some sort of heart condition that disallows strenuous activity and I'm thinking to myself "well, you're in trouble, hot stuff, because sex with me is pretty strenuous" but I didn't say anything. He leaned in and kissed me. At first it was nice. I hadn't been properly kissed in a while and I do love a good kiss. Then suddenly, it felt not good anymore. I disentangled and told him that I was okay, and that he was a good kisser (because he was) but that I just needed a minute. He was respectful. That's always a good sign.
He sat for a few minutes talking to me and he mentioned his gun collection and how much he liked them. Great, a gun enthusiast. I don't hate guns. I like guns. I just went to the range last week with a good friend to test my aim and get some of that adrenaline. Guns can be fun and they can be very good as deterrents to crime and they can certainly be helpful as a tool of self-defense. That said, some people are crazy and violently crazy people should not own guns. He then tells me about his criminal history for assault. Okay, well, we all have pasts.
He kept saying how beautiful I was. What woman doesn't like hearing that? I mean, it's great, but I've never been good at accepting those kinds of compliments without suspecting ulterior motives. I was once told that my eyes get me laid. That's always the compliment I get. I guess because it's bad for to compliment a woman's ass or breasts, which is what they are most likely looking at anyway.
He got up and left the room (presumably to pee because bodily functions) and when he came back, I swear I smelled marijuana. Now why would he want to hide that? I don't smoke, but I don't care if someone else wants to. Lying and sneaking around, on the other hand, are inexcusable. So I was a little on edge at this point and curious about the whole situation. We went back to watching the film and he leaned in to kiss me again. I swear, he freaking bit me. Hard. What the actual fuck? Well, I terminated that whole engagement quickly by pushing him away and protesting. I actually said "ow".
So at this point, I'm all weirded out and thinking he's maybe a little crazy. Or exceptionally crazy. I got the fuck out of there and I refused to see him again. I guess it's one of those things. Between what he'd openly talked about and the weird feeling I got and the weird way he acted, I knew that I couldn't date this guy. He's got some issues to sort out before he's ready for anything serious and it only took me two dates to figure that out. I was seriously a little worried that if I didn't cooperate, he might try to hurt me. He seemed genuinely emotionally and mentally fragile and unstable. Just the kind of guy I want to date, huh? Better luck next time, I guess.
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